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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #526
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    How I Lost My Teeth

    I was in the watering hole last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big ol' heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

    She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?"

    I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"

    She said, "I sure do."

    I said, "Well, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing."

  2. #527
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    After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my car keys.

    I gave myself a personal "TSA pat down"; they weren't in my pockets.

    Suddenly I realised I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot. My wife had often reminded me that leaving the keys in the car was a bad idea; that the car could be stolen.

    The parking lot was empty.

    I immeadiatly called th police, gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in my car and it had been stolen.

    I then prepared to eat some crow and phoned my wife.
    "I left the keys in the car and it's been stolen"

    "Are you kidding me?" she asked.
    "I dropped you off"

    Embarrased, I said "Well come and get me."

    She replied "I will as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

  3. #528
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    What Would You Do?

    Would you tell him, or just sit back and watch...

    truck.jpg

  4. #529
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Yup, some people can't handle the truth!

    My Favourite Animal

    Our teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
    She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was.
    I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
    She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

    I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

    Guess where the f... I am now...
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  5. #530
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    Kevin Huddy
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  6. #531
    Registered User motocamper's Avatar
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    We're not here for a long time
    We're here for a good time HUEY LEWIS

    2007 R1200RT, 2003 F650CS

  7. #532
    Administrator 20774's Avatar
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    Heard this from the judge today at the end of the "instructions" for jury duty...it's a lawyer joke.

    Prosecutor is trying to understand why the old farmer is now suing when he told the state trooper at the scene that has fine. The old farmer started by saying "I was just trying to get my old mule, Bessie, into the trailer to take her to the doctor..." when the prosecutor tries to get the farmer back on track...why did he say he was fine at the scene but now is suing. This went back and forth with the prosecutor complaining to the judge...the judge says he'd like to hear the story.

    So, the farmer says that they while on the way to the doctor they were sideswiped by the big truck and Bessie went into one ditch and he went into the other. He was hurt pretty bad and he could tell from Bessie's moans, she was too. After a few minutes, a state trooper rolls up and walks over to Bessie's side and notices that she can't be saved, so pulls his revolver and puts her out of her misery. The trooper walks over to the old farmer and asks "How are you doing?".

    The old farmer quickly says "I'm fine."
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  8. #533
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    In the darkened room the fortuneteller was telling her client"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

    Visibly shaken, the woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

    She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced it's way out... she simply had to know.. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

    "Will I be acquitted?"
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

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