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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #436
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Buying Fabric

    Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

    "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk, with a smirk.

    "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

    With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

    The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her and smiled,
    "Grandpa will pay the bill."

  2. #437
    OldBMWMaster JDOCKERY132445's Avatar
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    Motorcycle accident

    A man riding his motorcycle 2 weeks before his wedding has an accident and wakes up in the hospital. Feeling something weird between his legs calls for the doctor; who explains when he had his accident he slid forward and damaged his penis, which they had to put in a cast. In shock he asked the doctor how long it had to stay on? A month replied the Doctor. A MONTH! I am getting married in two weeks. He decides the only thing he can do is tell his fiancee before the wedding, but every time he tried, he could not get the words out.
    Wedding night came and he has not told his bride. After the ceremony, they go to a hotel room and his new wife goes into the bathroom to prepare herself for him. While she is in the bathroom, he undresses and put on a robe, lying back down on the bed.
    His wife comes out wearing sexy nightgown, lifting it up to reveal her vagina and says: See this vagina; I saved it just for you. No other man has ever touched this this. It is brand new and is all yours.
    He jumps up out of bed, parting his robe and says: You think that is new. Look at this . . . It is still in the packaging!
    Jerry Dockery
    309 N. 3rd. Ave.
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    1996 R1100RT main bike & 1985 K100RS...too fast to believe.

  3. #438
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    He Must Pay...

    Husband and wife had a tiff.
    Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
    Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

  4. #439
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Answering machine message

    "I am not available right now, but thank you for calling.
    I am making some changes in my life.
    Please leave a message after the beep.
    If I don't return your call, you're one of the changes."
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  5. #440
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    There?s a lot of sense in this plan ? and if nothing else, it?ll start your weekend off with a smile?


    Drafting Guys Over 60
    This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send to the Service Vets over 60!


    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

    Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some ******* that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off
    old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

    HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
    Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  6. #441
    It is what it is. Bud's Avatar
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    Boating related

    Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family coming-of-age tradition.

    It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

    So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat, promptly sank and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

    Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

    'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

    Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!"
    I used to post here, but now I don't.

  7. #442
    rsbeemer 22600's Avatar
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    Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, are illegally living in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.
    1978 R100rs MOA#22600 125cc Kymco
    The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

  8. #443
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Sci-Fi Convention

    So The Story Goes Like This
    By Bart Geraci

    So I was heading to a SciFi convention out in West Texas. I had a single friend who liked Star Wars and I asked him if he wanted to come with me. He said that there would be nothing but nerdy guys there and he'd rather go out to the local bars that weekend.

    I told him that yes, the ratio of men to women was going to be high at the convention, but he would be more likely to find a woman that shared the same passions as he did, and that could be a better start to a relationship. So he agreed to come with me.

    In the evening, some of the hotel convention rooms were used as singles mixers, and each one had a different theme.

    The Dr. Who room was made to look like the TARDIS, including the blue Police Box on the outer door.
    The Star Trek room looked like the bridge of the Enterprise.
    And around the corner, we found that the Star Wars room looked like one of the planets.

    So we stepped inside because ...
    we were looking for love in Alderaan places.

  9. #444
    Raspberry waffles Bob!!! kewlmoose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pauls1150 View Post
    So The Story Goes Like This
    By Bart Geraci

    So we stepped inside because ...
    we were looking for love in Alderaan places.
    Pretty punny..... Need a face palm emoticon on my mobile.
    82 R65LS - gone but not forgotten
    02 R1150RT
    "Oh good, my dog found the chainsaw"
    "I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart."

  10. #445
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    Quote Originally Posted by kewlmoose View Post
    Pretty punny..... Need a face palm emoticon on my mobile.
    I guess you only get it, if The Force is with you.....

  11. #446
    rsbeemer 22600's Avatar
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    A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
    is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

    On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband
    undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tried to be
    reassuring.

    My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
    frighten. I promise you I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss
    anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound
    experienced and worldly which he hopes will impress her.

    A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly)
    for her request.

    She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have hear
    about from odda girls .... Numbaa 69."
    More thoughtful silence, this time from him.

    Eventually, in a puzzled tone, he asks her,
    "You want ... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
    1978 R100rs MOA#22600 125cc Kymco
    The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.

  12. #447
    Registered User
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    Lassie married a cantaloupe.

    They had a melon/collie baby.

  13. #448
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Melon Collie
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    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    President Niagara BMW Riders #298
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  14. #449
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    THE BRIDGE

    A man on his BMW GS was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.' God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.' The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.





    God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?*
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
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  15. #450
    Registered User Bob_M's Avatar
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    If a guy customizes a motorcycle, but does not post about it on the MOA forum, is he still wrong?

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