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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #361
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The bartender said, "We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."
    A neutrino walked into a bar.
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  2. #362
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    COMMANDMENTS

    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
    You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"
    and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!
    It creates a hostile work environment!
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  3. #363
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Company Hurricane Policy

    As we watch the progress of the storm, the following are the DS guidelines based upon the hurricane's intensity:

    Hurricane category 1
    No excuse for being late. Leave earlier to give extra time to avoid fallen trees and limbs.

    Hurricane Category 2
    Due to horizontal rain, you may wear jeans. No shorts, skirts or mini-skirts allowed.

    Hurricane Category 3
    Whereas most of the area will be flooded, we suggest you avoid wearing open toe sandals when coming to work. Canoes will be provided to get to the building without getting wet.

    Hurricane Category 4
    More than likely there will be no electricity. Given that, we will have manual typewriters available to all staff members. Please take extra caution and wear water-proof make-up.

    Hurricane Category 5
    Duct tape will be provided to keep you attached to your chairs when the windows blow out, For those that survive, we will have chocolate cake at 3.00pm in the lunch room.

    Have a nice day!
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  4. #364
    aka Johnny Hammerlane bullet's Avatar
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    CANADIAN JOKE

    Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian
    Rockies, were a fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a
    little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

    The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
    the sound of a loud slap.

    When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has
    a bright red handprint on his cheek.

    No one speaks.

    The little old Greek lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have
    groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

    The blonde girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to
    grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she
    slapped his cheek.

    The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Alberta must have
    groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed
    and got me instead.

    The fellow from Alberta thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel,
    so I can smack that S.O.B. from Quebec again.
    It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.

  5. #365
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
    After autopsy, the coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
    The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
    'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'
    The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
    'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Jim Smith, BMW rider, 50, struck by lightning.'
    'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
    Says the coroner.... 'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  6. #366
    Registered User skyking96w's Avatar
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    Super Marketing Idea

    A while ago a new supermarket opened in my neighborhood. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

    When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

    In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

    When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

    The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

    I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
    Ray King
    R1200C; R1200RT
    MOA, RA, IBA, AMA
    Jacksonville, FL

  7. #367
    It is what it is. Bud's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by walterK75 View Post
    The bartender said, "We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."
    A neutrino walked into a bar.
    Too funny! Good one.
    I used to post here, but now I don't.

  8. #368
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Things you don't want to overhear over an airplane p.a. System

    1.Mid-way across the Ocean: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

    2.Hey folks were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

    3.Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

    4.Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

    5.ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

    6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back....we..we....uhhhhhh....forgot something.....

    7.I'm sure everyoneÔÇÖs noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)

    8.Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

    9.This is your Captain speaking....these new planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to. So you'll have to give me some leeway......

    10.It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

    11.We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and, ...Uhhh, Oh.

    12.Don't worry that one is always on E...

    13.Get the parachutes ready...

    14.Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

    15.Hey captain, take another hit man...

    16.Hey why don't you tell the new Stewardess she can come sit on my lap and fly the plane...
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  9. #369
    Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by walterK75 View Post
    The bartender said, "We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."
    A neutrino walked into a bar.
    .
    Attached Images Attached Images

  10. #370
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    I have a little Satnav
    It sits there in my car
    A Satnav is a driver's friend
    It tells you where you are

    I have a little Satnav
    I've had it all my life
    ItÔÇÖs better than the normal ones
    My Satnav is my wife

    It gives me full instructions
    Especially how to drive
    "It's thirty miles an hour", it says
    "You're doing thirty five"

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever
    Safe to overtake

    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively
    Just when to intervene

    It lists the vehicles just in front
    And all those to the rear
    And taking this into account
    It specifies my gear.

    I'm sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car
    It still gives its advice

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey's pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it
    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
    Makes sure I'm properly fed,
    It washes all my shirts and things
    And - keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages
    And my tendency to scoff,
    I do wish that once in a while
    I could turn the damned thing off.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  11. #371
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

    Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

    And they did.

    Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

    And they did.

    "Now we eat everybody." And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

    Why did we swim around and around them?"

    His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the s**t inside!"



    No need to thank me, I just try to learn something new every day.
    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    President Niagara BMW Riders #298
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  12. #372
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    A Woman's Poem

    (author unknown)

    He didn't like the casserole,
    and he didn't like my cake.
    He said my biscuits were too hard,
    not like his mother used to make.

    I didn't perk the coffee right,
    he didn't like the stew.
    I didn't mend his socks
    the way his mother used to do.

    I pondered for an answer,
    I was looking for a clue.
    Then I turned around and smacked him
    like his mother used to do.

  13. #373
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Pet diaries

    "Excerpts from a Dog's Diary":

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favourite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favourite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favourite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favourite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!


    "Excerpts from a Cat's Diary":

    Day 983 of my captivity.
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.
    For now...
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  14. #374
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Perrermint Taste

    John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.

    John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

    Next week, the Banker returned to see if the vet had helped.

    John really looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

    "Wow," said The Banker , "what did the vet do to that bull?"

    "Just gave him some pills," replied John.

    "What kind of pills?" asked The Banker

    "I don't know, but they got a peppermint taste."





    Bob Schrader

  15. #375
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    E-mail trouble

    I want to thank you all for your educational e-mails
    over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel,
    nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
    about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
    what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
    because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
    imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on
    the floor of a public toilet.

    I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
    in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with
    every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub
    full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
    freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
    water buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
    if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because
    it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
    so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
    seven different types of cancer.

    And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
    in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring
    me for life.

    I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
    needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
    me with a perfume sample and rob me..

    And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
    me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to
    Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

    Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
    big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant
    death when it bites my butt.

    And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
    dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed
    there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the
    Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
    the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
    on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
    fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
    to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
    actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors
    ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
    beautician! NOT!

    Oh, and by the way...

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study,
    has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
    read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

    Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
    I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

    NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

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