I'm ready for more jokes.

[bogthebasher]

Groan...

Unfortunately I did laugh....

[bmwchromehead]

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.
I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.
My wife, Cindy, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right.
The parking lot was empty. I immediately call the police.
I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, ÔÇ£Honey,ÔÇØ I stammered. I always call her ÔÇ£honeyÔÇØ in times like these. ÔÇ£I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.ÔÇØ

There was a period of silence.
I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard CindyÔÇÖs voice. ÔÇ£RoyÔÇØ she barked, ÔÇ£I dropped you off!ÔÇØ
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, ÔÇ£Well, come and get me.ÔÇØ
Cindy retorted, ÔÇ£I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car?ÔÇØ

[WalterK75]

Remember that if you upset your wife, she nags you.
If you upset her even more you get the silent treatment.


Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?

[AKBEEMER]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, ÔÇ£It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.ÔÇØ

He then addressed the men.

ÔÇ£Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?ÔÇØ

Frank leaned over, touched AnnÔÇÖs arm gently, and whispered,

ÔÇ£Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?ÔÇØ

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

[r11rs94]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we all are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo poop, Kemo Sabe. It means someone stole our tent!"

[henzilla]

[satman101]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "D...o you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared....

[womanridge]

Received this from my sister yesterday:

THE HARLEY MECHANIC & THE CARDIOLOGIST

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.

"Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the
mechanic was working on the motorcycle..

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I open its' heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish,
it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and
you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing
basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the
mechanic.......... "Try doing it with the engine running."

[scooter trash]

A deaf mute stumbles into Whaleyville; the local priest takes pity on him and gives him the job of ringing the bells in the tower. Being a deaf mute the priest was unable to get the mans name. One day while going to ring the bells the man slips stumbles falls face first into one of the bells, and falls from the tower and dies. As the crowd gathers around the body one person asks the priest, Who was... that? the priest says, I dont know but his face sure rings a bell. Wait it gets betterJust then another man stumbles into town, claiming to be the dead mans brother. The priest takes pity on him as well, and offers him the same job. But in the excitement he never gets the second mans name. A few days later, the new man slips and falls to his death as well. As the crowd gathers this time, someone asks the priest, Who was that? the priest says I dont know, but hes a dead ringer for his brother.

[piperjim]

Murphy opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Murphy. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

[WalterK75]

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other.
Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him.
They believed he practiced magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.
His wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down.
And I know he won't ask for directions."

[r11rs94]

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: I was trying to keep up with traffic.

Cop: There's no traffic.

Me: That's how far behind I am!!!

[Dakar001]

A blind man finds his way into an all-woman's bar. He sits down and orders a drink, then another.
Sensing people next to him he says, "Wanna hear a good blonde joke?"
The woman sitting next to him says, "For your information, mister, I'm a blonde, and I'm a professional weight lifter. The woman sitting on the other side of you is a blonde and she's a Black Belt Karate instructor. The Bartender is a blonde and she's holding a baseball bat right now. There are two other blonde women right behind you who are professional wrestlers. Are you sure you want to tell that blonde joke?"
The blind guy hesitates, then says, "No, not if I have to explain it 5 times."

[Pauls1150]

Pacing back and forth, a man was getting really anxious about his imminent operation.
His wife asked him: "What's the matter? Why are you getting so worked up?"
He replied: "I heard one of the nurses say 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure you'll be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you," said his wife. "What's so frightening about that?"
"She was talking to the surgeon!"

[Pauls1150]

A guy was caught for speeding and was pulled over to the side of the road.
Realizing he didn't have his seat belt on, as soon as he stopped he quickly buckled up before the officer reached his window.
After lecturing him about speeding, the cop said, "I noticed you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"
"Most definitely, officer," he replied.
"I see," said the cop, "and do you always wear it looped through the steering wheel?"


The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.
A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"
The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife'll kill us both!"


"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.
The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan. His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.
"Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."
"It isn't?" cried the motorist. "What happened to my boat and trailer?"