I'm ready for more jokes.

[scooter trash]

On Bud's Gun Shop Forums, the question came up: "What is the smallest
caliber you trust to protect yourself?"

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22
short.

Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket.

Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to
use the "Buddy System".

For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this, it means you NEVER hike
alone, you bring a friend or companion -

that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law on Raspberry Island near
Kodiak.

Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and was she mad!

We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire, I sure would not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by
just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe...

[r11rs94]

God asks Aaron Rodgers: "What do you believe?" Rodgers says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends.ÔÇØ God can't help but see the goodness of Rodgers and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Tim Tebow and says, "What do you believe?" Tebow says, "I believe in your total goodness, love and generosity and that you have given all to mankind.ÔÇØ God is greatly moved by TebowÔÇÖs eloquence, and offers him a seat to his right.
Finally, God turns to Tom Brady: "And you, Tom, what do you believe?" Tom replies, "I believe you're in my seat."
Go Pats Beat Denver.

[Pauls1150]

Panicking when her two-year-old swallowed a tiny magnet, my neighbor rushed him to the emergency room. "He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."

-------------------------------------------------------

We brought our newborn son to the pediatrician for his first checkup. As he finished, the doctor told us, "You have a cute baby."

Smiling, I said, "I bet you say that to all the new parents."

"No," he replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

"So what do you say to the others?" I asked.

"He looks just like you."

[scooter trash]

This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find the identity of your role model.

NO CHEATING! I was really surprised to find out the name of my role model. Don't scroll down yet....

To find the identity of your personal role model, do the math below...
Then scroll down to find your hero.

It is crazy how accurate this is!




NO PEEKING!

1.) Pick your favorite number between 1 - 9

2.) Multiply by 3

3.) Add 3

4.) Then again multiply by 3...

I'll wait if you need a calculator

5.) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number

6.) Add the digits together

NOW SCROLL DOWN











And with that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:

1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Bill Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Barack Obama

8. Babe Ruth

9. Scooter Trash

10. John F. Kennedy

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

P.S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!! I can't think of a better role model.....smart, humble......!

[SQUEAKY]

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

************************************************** *
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
************************************************** *


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

[rebake]

Local paper headline-Police find crack in mans' underwear.-i spit coffee on the table over that one.Ed

[txedomoon]

What's the difference between a bass player and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of three.

How do you get the bass player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
It took him two hours to get the drummer out of the back seat.

How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.

How many guitar players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Seven. One to do it, the other six to stand around and say "I could have done better."

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. One to change the bulb. The other six to stand around saying "I could have done better -- and faster."

Why are there no keyboard player jokes?
Because they're all true.

What's the difference between a violin and a cello?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between God and a Conductor?
God knows he's not a conductor.

What's the difference between a charging bull and an orchestra?
On the bull the horns are up front and the a**hole is in the back.

The definition of perfect pitch: When the banjo doesn't hit any side of the dumpster when thrown.

A question never asked: "Is that the banjo players GSA parked outside?"

--
Yes, I am a recovering sound tech. Careful, I control the slider marked "talent."
t.

[hhshort]

What does a drum solo, a sneeze and an orgasm have in common?





You know their comming and there is nothing you can do to stop them.

[WalterK75]

Recently, the Toronto Police Services board ran an e-mail forum (a
question and answer exchange, the topic, "Community Policing." A
civilian email participant posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to
continually harass people and get away with it?"

Sgt. B., a cop with a sense of humour, replies:

First of all, let me tell you this, it's not easy. In Toronto we
average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops
are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where we
do most of our harassing.

The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them
contact with the day-to-day innocents. At any given moment, only
one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for
harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is
responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that
attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where
a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives
a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a
second to eat a donut AND then find a new person to harass. This is
not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this
challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people
which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to
focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his
wife" is a code phrase we often use. This means we'll come out and
give some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy
breaking into a house" or " So and so has a grow op". The harassment
team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They
like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no
drivers license and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out
of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light.
Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they
have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police
officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a
beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass
them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONE or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass
folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle,
Liquor Act, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which
you can really mess with people.

After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile
until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and
harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well,
there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I
got permission to harass this guy.

It is a pretty cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty
well. I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we
get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab,
we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my town, give
me a single finger wave, that's another code word.

[txedomoon]

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

[patiodadio]

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris which caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.


.

[SQUEAKY]

Paraprosdokians are "Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. When you steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

And last, but not least, The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[INDAWIN]

Hey! I thought Big & Rich did it pretty well.

[txedomoon]

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with boxer engines so thought he'd become a motorcycle mechanic. The good doctor went along to the American Institute of Motorcycling, the best motorcycle mechanics school in the country, and completed the training class. The final exam was to strip a bike engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said, "No, no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine -- a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really. Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."

[satman101]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues. Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something.

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store...He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"



You're laughing aren't you ...I know you are!!!

I CAN HEAR YOU LAUGHING!