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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #241
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Two boys were walking by a home in Pittsburgh when a large dog rushes
    out of a yard and starts to attack one of the boys. His friend quickly grabs a
    piece of wood and beats off the dog until the dog lay still on the ground. A
    sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
    interview the boy. "Young Steelers' Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he
    starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Steelers fan," the little hero replied.
    "Sorry, since we are in Pittsburgh I just assumed you were." said the
    reporter and starts again. "Little Pittsburgh Pirate FanÔÇØ Rescues Friend From
    horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Pirate fan
    either," the boy said. The reporter said "I assumed everyone in Pittsburgh
    was either for the Steelers or the Pirates. What team do you root for?" he asked.
    ÔÇ£I am from Baltimore and am here visiting my friend, I'm a Baltimore Ravens Fan."
    the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes;
    "Baltimore Gang Member Kills Beloved Family Pet."
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  2. #242
    Midnight Rider 41077's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DRUDOLPH148006 View Post
    Why are they called Hot water heaters? They heat cold water, not hot water.
    Same reason we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

  3. #243
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    Finally a REAL Christmas story....

    A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

    Walking through the mall the surprised wife look up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.

    She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was.The husband in a calm voice said, "Honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

    His wife said crying, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

    He said, "Well I'm in the bar right next to it."
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
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  4. #244
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    An Asian guy was trying to exchange yens for dollars and asked the
    teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today
    I get only a hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations."
    The Asian guy says "Fluc you white guys too."
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  5. #245
    Rally Rat
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    Quote Originally Posted by walterK75 View Post
    An Asian guy was trying to exchange yens for dollars and asked the
    teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today
    I get only a hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations."
    The Asian guy says "Fluc you white guys too."
    That there is funny! I tried repeating it to a co-worker, couldn't get it out without laughing............

  6. #246
    Grammarian no, Rider yes ISAMEMON's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by walterK75 View Post
    An Asian guy was trying to exchange yens for dollars and asked the
    teller "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today
    I get only a hunat eighty?" The teller says - "Fluctuations."
    The Asian guy says "Fluc you white guys too."

  7. #247
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Inexperienced chili taster

    Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Taster Named TOM, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
    Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
    The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be
    standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when
    the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that
    the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
    free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from
    the event:

    Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    TOM: Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
    from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
    the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    TOM: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
    to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
    the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look
    on my face.

    Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
    TOM: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer
    before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in
    the front part of my chest. I'm getting wasted from all the beer.

    Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    TOM: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
    it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; I'm eating nuclear-waste.

    Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very impressive.
    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    TOM: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
    The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had
    given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
    directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really
    pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
    rednecks!

    Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    TOM: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
    flames. I crapped myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the
    chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she
    must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
    my butt with a snow cone!

    Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
    peppers in. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3.
    He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    TOM: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like crap to match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch
    hole in my stomach.

    Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
    nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
    fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
    going to make it. Poor Yankee, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
    TOM:

    (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  8. #248
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    23 Adult Truths


    1 Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

    2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

    3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

    4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

    5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

    6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

    7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

    8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

    9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind-of tired.

    10. Bad decisions make good stories.

    11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

    12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

    13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

    14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

    15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

    16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

    17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

    18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

    19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

    20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

    21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

    22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

    23. ***
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  9. #249
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
    "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    But where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
    is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
    Finally, she looked up at Tim.
    "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
    of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
    Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
    he got out three times to pee."


    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  10. #250
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    A Short Story for Engineers

    A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timing so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can’t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get pissed off and buy another product instead.

    Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

    The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution — on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time.

    They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

    A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

    It turns out, the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should’ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

    Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed.

    A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

    “Oh, that,” says one of the workers — “one of the guys put it there ’cause he was tired of walking over there every time the bell rang.”

  11. #251
    Registered User tourunigo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patiodadio View Post
    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
    when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
    "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
    But where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
    There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
    is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
    Finally, she looked up at Tim.
    "How did it happen, Tim?"

    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
    of Guinness Stout and drowned."

    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
    Did he at least go quickly?"

    "Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
    he got out three times to pee."


    .
    lard tundrin' dat's a goodun. A keeper for some future discourse. -Bob
    saltyfogriders@gmail.com
    Salty Fog Riders Motorcycle Tourism Promotions
    Larry's River, Nova Scotia, CANADA

  12. #252
    From MARS
    Guest
    Biker walks up to the cash register in the drugstore with a package of condums. As the cashier hands back his change, he ask, "Do you need a sack for those?" The biker said, "No thanks. She's not that ugly."

  13. #253
    Administrator 20774's Avatar
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    Possible job interview question and also posed in a movie with Bruce Willis:

    Say you're riding you motorcycle on a rainy night and you come up to a bus stop with three people at it. One is an old woman who is very ill and needs to get to the hospital. The second is a long time friend of yours, someone who once saved your life. And third, your soul mate, the person you've been looking for all your life. Which one do you give a ride to?

    Time goes by as the interviewer watches the interviewee squirm. What to do? Take the sick woman to the hospital and possibly save her life? Take the opportunity to pay back some of that debt to your friend? But if you do either of those, you'll miss the opportunity to be with your soul mate, someone you've dreamt about for a long time. Tough one...

    The answer that Bruce gave and that the job interviewee should give:

    Give the keys to your friend and let him take the old lady to the hospital. That lets you stay with your soul mate and wait for the bus in the rain.
    Kurt -- Forum Administrator ---> Resources and Links Thread <---
    '78 R100/7 & '69 R69S & '52 R25/2
    mine-ineye-deatheah-pielayah-jooa-kalayus. oolah-minane-hay-meeriah-kal-oyus-algay-a-thaykin', buddy!

  14. #254
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Serious drink drive warning - timely pre- New Year!


    I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and
    driving.

    As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with
    the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the
    years.

    A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at
    the George Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red
    wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did
    something I've never done before .... I took a bus home. Sure enough I
    passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.

    I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as I
    have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  15. #255
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Questions for Us Older Citizens

    Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?

    A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can
    finish the basement or shed; when you are done you
    will have a place to live.

    Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?

    A: Tell him you're pregnant.


    Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find
    young, sexy members of the opposite sex who are
    interested in them?

    A: Try a bookstore -- under fiction.


    Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?

    A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, make
    sure you're not wearing your glasses.


    Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?

    A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.


    Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems
    with short term memory storage?

    A: Storing memory is not the problem, retrieving it is the problem.


    Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

    A: Yes, but usually only in the afternoon.


    Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?

    A: Their foreheads.


    Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year
    olds when they enter antique stores?

    A: "Hey! I remember these!"


    Q: What is a 60+ year old's most frequent thought
    when going from one room to another?

    A: "What did I come here for?"


    Q: What is the most effective form of birth control for people 60 and over?

    A: Nudity.
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

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