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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #61
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,

    'What's on TV?'

    I said, 'Dust.'

    And then the fight started...





    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in

    bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"


    "No," she answered.


    I then said, "Is that your final answer?"


    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."


    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


    And then the fight started....
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  2. #62
    al from chgo burbs lilredroadster's Avatar
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    If a guy makes love to a schizophrenic girl...............does it count as a three way?
    Al From Chgo Burbs
    BETTERMENT THROUGH BADGERMENT

  3. #63
    Bikes, Guitars, and ... beemokat's Avatar
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    "Where do you find a dog with no legs? Ans...... Right where you left him!"

    What do you name him? Anything you want, he won't come when you call him anyway. And every night you have to take him out for a drag!
    Wherever you go, there you are.

  4. #64
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

    A very attractive blond woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll
    of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
    when I'm completely nude.

    With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
    "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
    As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
    "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
    She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
    clothes and quickly departed.
    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. .

    Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
    I don't know - I thought you were watching."

    The MORAL is: Not all blonds are dumb, but all men are men.

  5. #65
    2 Wheeled Troubador oldhway's Avatar
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    Mod break:

    Please be sure this stays PG-13 so we can keep it going. A few are starting to tip toe up to the line.

    Carry on.
    Steve Marquardt, 2004 R1150RT

  6. #66
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oldhway View Post
    Mod break:

    Please be sure this stays PG-13 so we can keep it going. A few are starting to tip toe up to the line.

    Carry on.
    PG-13 ? I thought the average age of MOA members was over 50 ?
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  7. #67
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bmwchromehead View Post
    PG-13 ? I thought the average age of MOA members was over 50 ?
    They are a sensitive lot!
    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    President Niagara BMW Riders #298
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  8. #68
    2 Wheeled Troubador oldhway's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Darryl View Post
    They are a sensitive lot!
    WE are a sensitive lot>
    Steve Marquardt, 2004 R1150RT

  9. #69
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Oldhway View Post
    WE are a sensitive lot>
    No we that I know ... must be some other we
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  10. #70
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    I'm a very sensitive type you You Mambie Pambie Jack Wagon. www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaFy0x_Uixo
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  11. #71
    2 Wheeled Troubador oldhway's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by r11rs94 View Post
    I'm a very sensitive type you You Mambie Pambie Jack Wagon. www.youtube.com/watch?v=uaFy0x_Uixo
    One of my favorite commercials. That's why retired drill instructors do not make good moderators though.
    Steve Marquardt, 2004 R1150RT

  12. #72
    radan2
    Guest
    Here are some real cruelty jokes. I heard them all from 5th graders.

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who . . .

    is lying outside your front door? MATT

    is trying to swim? BOB

    is trying to water ski? SKIP

    is hanging on the wall? ART

    is lying in the garden? HERB

    wants to play baseball? FIRST BASE

    What do you call a dog with no legs? ANYTHING YOU WANT; HE WON'T COME WHEN YOU CALL HIM ANYWAY.

    Where do you find a dog with no legs? RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT HIM

    No actual people or dogs were harmed in the making of these jokes.

  13. #73
    Amma Holly's Avatar
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    Metric System

    Despite never having adopted the metric system for day-to-day use, Americans
    are familiar with the basic units, like grams, kilograms, meters and such.
    But when it comes to lesser known units we're clueless. To help the
    educational process along a bit ...

    * 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

    * Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

    * 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

    * Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

    * 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

    * Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

    * 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

    * Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

    * Shortest distance between two jokes = 1 straightline

    * 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

    * 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

    * 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

    * 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

    * 52 cards = 1 decacards

    * 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

    * 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

    * 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

    * 10 rations = 1 decoration

    * 100 rations = 1 C-ration

    * 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

    * 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

  14. #74
    3 Red Bricks
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    MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM

    "If the enemy is in range, so are you."
    Infantry Journal

    _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


    "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
    U.S. Air Force Manual
    ---------------------------------------------

    "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
    - General MacArthur
    ---------------------------------------------

    "You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
    - U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
    > ---------------------------------------------

    "Tracers work both ways."
    - U.S. Army Ordnance
    ---------------------------------------------

    "Five second fuses only last three seconds."
    - Infantry Journal
    ---------------------------------------------
    "Any ship can be a minesweeper....Once."
    ---------------------------------------------
    "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
    - Unknown Marine Recruit
    ---------------------------------------------
    Clean it, if it's Dirty.
    Oil it, if it Squeaks.
    But: Don't Screw with it if it Works!
    USAF Electronic Technician
    ----------------------------------------------------------------
    "If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
    USAF - Ammo Troop
    --------------------------------------------




    "Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
    I Shall Fear No Evil.
    For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
    ---------------------------------------------



    "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.."
    - Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot, SR-71 )
    ---------------------------------------------


    A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
    Latitude is Where We are Lost, &
    Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!
    USAF Navi-guesser
    --------------------------------------------


    "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
    ---------------------------------------------


    "If the wings are travelling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
    ---------------------------------------------




    "When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
    ---------------------------------------------


    "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
    If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
    If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
    ---------------------------------------------


    The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
    "Why is it doing that?"
    "Where are we?"
    and
    "Oh Sh..t!"
    --------------------------------------------
    "Airspeed, altitude and brains.
    Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
    --------------------------------------------







    "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
    We never left one up there!"
    ---------------------------------------------







    "Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
    -------------------------------------------









    "The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
    ---------------------------------------------







    "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
    - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
    ---------------------------------------------

    "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
    Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
    ---------------------------------------------







    "You know that your landing gear is up and locked
    When it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
    --------------------------------------------


    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "Beats me, I just got here myself."






    LONG MAY YOUR BRICK FLY!

    Ride Safe, Ride Far, Ride Often

    Lee Fulton Forum Moderator
    3 Marakesh Red K75Ss
    Mine, Hers, Spare

  15. #75
    Registered User skyking96w's Avatar
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    The Wife

    The wife and I were at home watching TV.

    I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

    "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

    You already know how to fish!"
    Ray King
    R1200C; R1200RT
    MOA, RA, IBA, AMA
    Jacksonville, FL

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