I'm ready for more jokes.

[martinph]

There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
For example...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

[SQUEAKY]

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......

"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"

[SQUEAKY]

Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with them.

I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

Oh my, I'm in trouble and I don't know what to do . . . I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.

She fainted.

[WalterK75]

Under warranty until it doesn't work. Warranty fulfilled.

[FrankNitti]

I know many of you (like me) are looking forward to football season

Well.....Here's a little recap of last year.

Coincidence??

I was just wondering!

Alabama beat Arkansas and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee and they fired the coach.

Alabama beat Auburn and they fired the coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...

Damn, I wish the White House had a team.

[scooter trash]

Three men, a SFC in the Army, a Gunny in the Marines and a Navy Chief die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the Army SFC accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"

The next day, the Marine Gunny steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.

The Navy Chief has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, large breasted, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The Chief remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[Pauls1150]

Josh, looking for a free meal entered a wedding and joined the "Harrison" wedding. He went over to the buffet, and piled his plate high with petit fours from one table, kabobs, stir fry and veal chops from another table. While thoroughly enjoying himself a man approaches him and says, "Hi, my name his Charlie, are you on the bride or groom's side?"

Josh looks up from his plate of deliciousness and responds, "What!? They're only married five minutes and they're already fighting?"

[lmo1131]

Here's one for Voni

Three guys were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives their household duties.

The 1st man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The 2nd man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The 3rd man had married an Indiana girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the next day he didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to put on a dirty shirt out of the hamper, fix himself a peanut butter sandwich, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.



If you live west of Nashville, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.