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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #91
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    Seniors Bus Tour

    A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway
    when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a
    handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.


    After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands
    him another handful of peanuts.


    She repeats this gesture about five more times.

    When she is about to hand him another batch again ....he asks the little
    old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

    'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

    The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

    The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  2. #92
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'

    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
    the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
    gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
    actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
    the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
    200-feet-per-minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    ! And the best one for last...!

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel,
    sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  3. #93
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    q: How can you get four suits for a dollar
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    a: Buy a deck of cards.
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  4. #94
    2 Wheeled Troubador oldhway's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by r11rs94 View Post
    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,'

    which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct
    the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
    gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some
    actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and
    the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

    By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a
    200-feet-per-minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.

    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    ! And the best one for last...!

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel,
    sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    Thanks, that was great.
    Steve Marquardt, 2004 R1150RT

  5. #95
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    A tough looking biker was riding his Victory

    when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge

    so he stops.



    "What are you doing?" he asks.



    "I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.



    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he

    didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,

    "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"



    So, she does.



    After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was

    the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent

    you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you

    committing suicide?"



    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  6. #96
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    Little johnny strikes again.

    The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

    The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

    Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see the circus and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well,
    That was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

    She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

    Johnny said, 'My aunt Debbie has a sweater with ten buttons, but her **** are so big she can only fasten eight.'

    The teacher sat down and cried.
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  7. #97
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Mistaken Identity

    The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
    stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
    accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
    frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
    dropping her cell phone and makeup.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
    into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
    exit her car with her hands up.

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
    photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

    After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
    door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
    was waiting with her personal effects.

    He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
    car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
    and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
    sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
    Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
    on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

  8. #98
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    Why to move from California to Arizona !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Tale of a Coyote

    California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a

    nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor and attacks his

    dog......killing it.

    1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"

    and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is

    natural.

    2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the

    State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

    3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the

    State $200 testing it for diseases.

    4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for

    diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

    5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game

    conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous

    animals.

    6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote

    awareness" program for residents of the area.

    7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat

    rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

    8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack

    somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

    9. Additional cost to State of California : $75,000 to hire and train a new

    security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

    10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the

    State.



    Arizona. The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature

    trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog

    1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps

    jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

    2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

    And that, boys and girls, is why California is broke ................ And

    more importantly, why too much government doesn't work.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  9. #99
    Registered User Bob_M's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by osbornk View Post
    ..., why too much government doesn't work.
    With only guns and politics this posting is one short of the trifecta. If a Rabbi can be woven into this parable then it would be a real knee slapper.

  10. #100
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Sorry, buzzards and coyotes aren't kosher (since they are scavengers).

    But it's an accurate picture of how the state has been run...

  11. #101
    radan2
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by squeaky View Post
    The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
    stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
    accelerating through the intersection.

    The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
    frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
    dropping her cell phone and makeup.

    As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
    into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to
    exit her car with her hands up.

    He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
    photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

    After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
    door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
    was waiting with her personal effects.

    He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
    car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
    and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper
    sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
    Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
    on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

  12. #102
    Has two wheels and flies yngswen's Avatar
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    >>A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man
    >>comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
    >>
    >>"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
    >>
    >>"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a
    >>seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the
    >>world, and not use it?"
    >>
    >>He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
    >>with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we
    >>haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
    >>
    >>"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find
    >>someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
    >>
    >>The man shakes his head.
    >>
    >>"No, they're all at the funeral."
    In wine there is wisdom. In beer there is strength. In water there is bacteria. ~David Auerbach

  13. #103
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
    The man couldn't stand the curiosity.
    He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I Am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, But I've never seen a funeral like this. "Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's."
    ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my Wife when the dog turned on her."
    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence Passed between the two men.
    "Can I borrow the dog?"
    > The man replied, "Get in line."
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  14. #104
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Dinner and more

    >
    > A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous
    > redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since
    > he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her.
    >
    > Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket
    > toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air,
    > and handed it back.
    >
    > 'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she popped her eye back in place...
    >
    > 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said.
    >
    > They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the
    > theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared
    > her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened.
    >
    > After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to
    > her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a
    > wonderful, wonderful time.
    >
    > The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
    > The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,'
    > he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet
    > this way?'
    >
    > 'No,' she replied...
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > 'You just happened to catch my eye...'

  15. #105
    Registered User
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    catch my eye-- cute, nice safe joke , I like it!
    Brian

    86 k100rt, 78 r80/7

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