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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #211
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

    Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy survivors from a sinking ship.

    "Follow me, son," the father shark says to his son, the younger shark.

    So they swim over to the mass of people. The father says,

    "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

    And they did.

    "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

    And they did.

    "Now we eat everybody."

    And they did.

    When they were both gorged, the son asked,

    "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

    His wise father replied,

    "Because they taste better without the **** inside!"

  2. #212
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Things you don't want to hear from tech support

    1. Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?

    2. ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.

    3. So -- what are you wearing?

    4. Bummer Duuuuuuuude.

    5. Looks like you're going to need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.

    6. Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC.

    7. We can fix this, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.

    8. I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.

    9. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.

    10. Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  3. #213
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  4. #214
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    A teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

    "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the teacher while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

    He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

    "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the teacher asked.

    Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  5. #215
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A policeman caught a man who looked like a tramp and arrested him. The man said that he was a judge and looked this way because he was under cover and getting evidence. The policeman didn't believe him and took the man down to the police station.

    At the police station the officer started to book him when the sergeant asked him what he was doing. "I'm booking this tramp, he said."

    The sergeant said, "You can't do that. This is the Judge. Haven't you learned that you can't book a judge by his cover?"
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  6. #216
    Raspberry waffles Bob!!! kewlmoose's Avatar
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    This was stolen from a post on our club's website

    "Do any of you know where I can get some severed feet? I think they'd make perfect stocking stuffers.... "
    82 R65LS - gone but not forgotten
    02 R1150RT
    "Oh good, my dog found the chainsaw"
    "I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart."

  7. #217
    Back in the Saddle mcmxcivrs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kewlmoose View Post
    "Do any of you know where I can get some severed feet? I think they'd make perfect stocking stuffers.... "
    Just go beachcombing out in BC, one should was up again soon.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/45224503...a-shore-twist/
    Ed Miller, Calgary, AB
    2008 K1200GT, 2009 F800GS
    I can't wait to retire and have a fixed income. The one I have now is always broke.

  8. #218
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory

    If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
    butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or
    other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
    With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread,
    butter-side up, to a cat's back and toss them both out the window,
    will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

    In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself
    you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of
    butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the
    equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat
    can not land on its furry back.
    If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
    resolve this paradox. Therefore, they simply do not fall.

    That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
    you have discovered the secret of antigravity!

    To expand on this theory,a buttered cat will, when released,
    quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
    butter repulsion are in equilibrium.

    This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the
    butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing
    descent.

    Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this
    principle to drive their space ships while within a planetary system. The
    loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring
    of several hundred tabbies. Larger craft use the Mancoon breed and a
    long ways sliced sourdough loaf.

    The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat
    the bread off their backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you
    all know, happened in Roswell 50 years ago. Of course the cats
    will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
    since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
    red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  9. #219
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
    A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.



    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  10. #220
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
    tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
    towards sky, what you see? '

    'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

    'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord
    is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'


    'You dumber than buffalo poop..... It mean someone stole the tent.'


    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  11. #221
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    A son asked his mother the following question: ' Mom, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies: ' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.' Dad why are wedding dresses white? ' The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
    'Son, all household appliances come in white. '
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  12. #222
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    A woman with nine children was asked how she coped when the kids became ill.

    She replied, "When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!"
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  13. #223
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my
    friend



    "That's us in 10 years".





    He said "That's a mirror, dip-$H!t
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  14. #224
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

    Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

    "Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do atChristmas?"

    "Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

    Realizing there was a little Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to Leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

    Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas."
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  15. #225
    Registered User dwyandell's Avatar
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    Do you know why the British have never managed to build a supercomputer?

    >>..>

    Couldnt figure out how to build one that leaks oil.

    (sorry brits)
    Dave in Vermont
    '84 R80ST
    '81 R100 hack

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