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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #136
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Men hacve Memories too...

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
    She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
    sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.
    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watched
    as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
    'Why are you down here at this time of night?

    The husband looks up from his Cocoa, 'It's the 20th anniversary of the
    day we met'.

    She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

    The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
    dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

    Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is
    so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember
    when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
    him.

    The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
    my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to
    prison for 20 years?'

    'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, 'I would have gotten out
    today.'

  2. #137
    Mars needs women! 35634's Avatar
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    Build a man a fire and he will stay warm for a day.

    Set a man on fire and he will stay warm for the rest of his life.
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  3. #138
    Titan Silver mfifer's Avatar
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    Man driving down road.

    Woman driving up same road.

    They pass each other.

    Woman yells out window, PIG!

    Man yells out window, BITCH!

    Man rounds next curve.

    Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.






    If men would just listen
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  4. #139
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    COPPER WIRE

    After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found
    traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that
    their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American
    archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
    "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their
    ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

    One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following:
    "After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario region of Thunder Bay
    Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
    Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."

    Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, eh!
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  5. #140
    Registered User Anyname's Avatar
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    And to think that Thunder Bay was is the forefront of that advance...
    BMW R bike rider, horizontally opposed to everything...

  6. #141
    al from chgo burbs lilredroadster's Avatar
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    new drink

    Went to a bar last night and the bartender offered me a new drink.
    A Bin Laden....................two shots and a splash!
    Al From Chgo Burbs
    BETTERMENT THROUGH BADGERMENT

  7. #142
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A pompous Preacher was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to Toronto.

    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for
    a rum & coke, which was brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

    He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen brazen
    whores than let liquor touch my lips."

    The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I didn't
    know we had a choice."
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  8. #143
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.





    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  9. #144
    Titan Silver mfifer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patiodadio View Post
    The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.





    .
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  10. #145
    look out!!! Visian's Avatar
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    Art appreciation

    At the National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

    The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

    After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

    'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?', asked the couple. 'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

  11. #146
    al from chgo burbs lilredroadster's Avatar
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    A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
    'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
    'But she's a great cook & really good with the kids.'
    Al From Chgo Burbs
    BETTERMENT THROUGH BADGERMENT

  12. #147
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

    The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, "Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins."

    The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets"! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."

    The third father opens the window and jumps out.

    The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"

    One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window."

    The nurse asks, "Why?"

    He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
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  13. #148
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    *
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    Good-bye Grandpa

    *

    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

    The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

    The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

    A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

    Several*months later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

    He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.


    He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

    He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"


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    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  14. #149
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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  15. #150
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Ahnuld

    Once you know the facts it's understandable:
    So Arnold approaches Maria and says, "Maria, the maid wants another raise.ÔÇØ
    And Maria, after a little thought, says, ÔÇ£Screw her!ÔÇØ

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