I'm ready for more jokes.

[WalterK75]

A Zen Master steps up to a hot dog cart in Brooklyn and says: "Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor quickly fixes him a foot-long masterpiece smothered with onions and chili. Respectfully, he hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor stuffs the bill in the cash drawer and says, "Anything else?"

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

The hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

[r11rs94]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.


All the way back, the elderly husband

became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded

his wife relentlessly during the entire

return drive. The more he chided her,

the more agitated he became.

He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."

[kgadley01]

Very good, Holly. I had seen the joke before, but the drunkkin speelign at the end made it even better.

But do you know whats scarey? I could read it perfectly

[akbeemer]

,

[Bob_M]

Ole was out on the lake hunting and the warden boats up to him and checks his hunting license and sees that there are loons in Ole's boat. "Oh brother Ole" the warden says, "you got yourself a peck of trouble now. Everyone knows loons are protected and it is against the law to shoot them."

The warden issues the citation and the court date comes around and Ole really gets an ear full from the judge about how the loon is a rare and beautiful bird that deserves protection, and how Ole had been shooting an icon of the north country. The judge issued a fine of $100 and made Ole promise to never shoot a loon again. After the case was settled the judge quitetly asks "well Ole I've always been curious, what do loons taste like?"

Ole replies "sorta like bald eagle."

[osbornk]

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be
challenged with the task of tracing home titles back
potentially hundreds of years.
With a community rich with history stretching back over two
centuries, houses have been passed along through
generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult
to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney

wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:








You have to love this lawyer........



A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.

He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove
satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as
collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803,
which took the lawyer three months to track down. After
sending the information to the FHA, he received the
following reply.



(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an
Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in
which you have prepared and presented the application, we
must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final
approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the

title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have title extended further than the
206 years covered by the present application. I was unaware
that any educated person in this country, particularly those
working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana
was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the
year of origin identified in our application. For the
edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the
land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which
had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land
came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made
in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a
new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the
blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance
Columbus 's expedition.
Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus
Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted,
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to
presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and
His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the
world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's
original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"



The loan was immediately approved.

[bmwchromehead]

BUT THIS IS

BAD Parrot
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation,
threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


HAPPY THANKSGIVING (Early)

[redbeemer]

Random Thoughts for the Day:

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

[Darryl Cainey]

Drinkin and Drivin in Newfoundland . . . .. .





Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.

The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, 'Lord tundering...up ahead -- it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted for drinkin' dese here beers!!'

'Don't worry,' Archie said. 'We'll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.'

'What fer?'

'Jist let me do de talkin', OK?'

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put a label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them and said, 'You boys been drinkin'?'
'No sir,' said Archie, pointing at the labels.



'We're on the patch.

[dhgeyer]

If a man says something in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

[dhgeyer]

An insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic tried to have a sleepover. It didn't work. They were up all night arguing about whether there's a Dog.

[radan2]

If a man says something in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

And if a woman is in the forest, and there is no man to hear her, will she still nag?

[WalterK75]

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit,

Our Best Wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice or the secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

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[beemokat]

I haven't heard any new ones in a while, but I have found a new (to me anyway) way to tell them:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OKh0aIp63k

[r11rs94]

Motorcycle tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, rubber hoses, and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. Also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads when pliers are unavailable. Can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools used to transform human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your garage. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

CRAFTMAN SOCKETS: Once used for working on older American cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 14mm or 12mm socket you've been trying to find for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say "Ouch...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward.