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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #181
    al from chgo burbs lilredroadster's Avatar
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    A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hellooo? It's only 25 cents
    Al From Chgo Burbs
    BETTERMENT THROUGH BADGERMENT

  2. #182
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
    Doctor: "What happened?"

    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

    Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished,and he didn't touch me!"

    Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  3. #183
    On the Road
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    True Story

    I stopped at a DQ last night and ordered a Hot Fudge Sundae with extra Hot Fudge. The guy (blonde) with a straight face told me that the microwave was broken, so I would have to settle for the regular temperature fudge. I just shook my head and walked away.... They walk among us!!! And they vote!!!!!

  4. #184
    Registered User Anyname's Avatar
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    Vote hell, I'm more worried about the ones who hold office...
    BMW R bike rider, horizontally opposed to everything...

  5. #185
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  6. #186
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day .

    " Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from
    a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in
    a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an
    aggressive gator "

    Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman !"

    " No ," I replied, " I'm just a bad golfer.



    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  7. #187
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    Seen on a church billboard:

    When attacked by a carload of clowns, go for the juggler!


  8. #188
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Thought for the Day

    I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes and I thought to myself, ÔÇ£Wow, dogs are easily entertained..."

    Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase its tail for ten minutes...

  9. #189
    It is what it is. Bud's Avatar
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    Two Engineers agree to paint a flag pole. Of course they need to know how tall it is so they can purchase the paint. One shimmies up the pole with a tape measure and falls after reaching about half way. While trying to figure out how they can possibly measure the pole along comes a Designer. After asking what they're doing he replies, "that s easy". He then reaches around the pole and pulls it out of the ground and lays it down. "There you go", he said as he walked away. The two Engineers look at each other and one said "that stupid guy will never get anywhere, we don't need to know how wide it is, just how tall".
    I used to post here, but now I don't.

  10. #190
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

    Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: ÔÇ£Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck but attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.ÔÇØ

    The old man faxed back: ÔÇ£Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.ÔÇØ



    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  11. #191
    Bikes, Guitars, and ... beemokat's Avatar
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    Feel free to move this over to the grateful thread if you like...
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Wherever you go, there you are.

  12. #192
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The
    King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
    spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

    The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I".
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  13. #193
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
    His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
    "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
    "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."
    Walter

    All government, of course, is against liberty.
    H. L. Mencken

  14. #194
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Dead Penguins

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
    On the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?


    Wonder no more ! ! !


    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
    Bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life .


    The penguin is very committed to its family and will
    Mate for life , as well as maintaining a form of
    Compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life .



    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface , other members
    Of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
    In the ice , using their vestigial wings and beaks , until the hole is
    Deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried .
    The male penguins then gather in a circle
    Around the fresh grave and sing :


    " Freeze a jolly good fellow "


    " Freeze a jolly good fellow ."



    " Then they kick him in the ice hole ."

  15. #195
    Mars needs women! 35634's Avatar
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    This seems appropriate for an old farts club http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWP5W7lv1-I
    1987 K75S
    Original litter
    Original owner
    2012 Ural Gear Up

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