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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #511
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    I am neither a train expert, nor a fireman, but I am pretty sure this is not going to work.
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    Kevin Huddy
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    Tm Pterodactyl MT Outpost

  2. #512
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    This actually won a poetry prize (with photo) in West Virginia in 1912

    .
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    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    President Niagara BMW Riders #298
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  3. #513
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  4. #514
    Registered User 88bmwjeff's Avatar
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    My talent reading backwards is right up there with all the other useless stuff I can remember.



    Of course the above is taking up valuable memory, which I'd like to use for more important information. Not gonna happen though. The theme to Gilligan's Island, the Brady Bunch, etc. will always be there.
    Jeff in W.C.
    1988 R100 RT (the other woman)
    "I got my motorcycle jacket but I'm walking all the time." Joe Strummer

  5. #515
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
    It was dread-ful.

    What do you call a cow with no legs?
    Ground beef.

    Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
    Because the p is silent.

    What do you call a fat psychic?
    A four chin teller.

    What do you do with a dead chemist?
    Barium!
    (This joke was sodium funny, that I slapped my neon that one.)

  6. #516
    Registered User potatoes's Avatar
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    Here we go, ... BMW motorcycle based humor.

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    "I have approximate answers and possible beliefs and different degrees of certainty about different things, but I am not absolutely sure about anything."
    Richard Feynman, Scientist

  7. #517
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    A Little Too Close To Home,,,,,

    OLD FRIENDS
    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
    Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
    "How soon do you need to Know?"

    _____________________________________

    SENIOR DRIVING
    As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I70. Please be careful!"

    "Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

    _____________________________________
    SUPERSEX
    A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
    As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
    She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
    He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
    Kevin Huddy
    Intrepid Incompetent
    Tm Pterodactyl MT Outpost

  8. #518
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn.

    All the chapel bells are ringing.....


    Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

    Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.

    When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

    Aisle, altar, and hymn.

    She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions: Aisle, altar, hymn??Aisle, altar, hymn??Aisle, altar, hymn.

    And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete.

    She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

    'I'll alter him!
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  9. #519
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Two Young Boys

    Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
    The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
    'Eight', the boy replied.
    The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
    The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
    "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
    "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

  10. #520
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    Heavenly Golf

    At the golf course up in heaven, Jesus and Moses are about to tee off when an old man comes up to them saying that the starter said he could join them. Jesus and Moses looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and said, "sure, why not."

    So Moses went up to the first tee with his driver and whacked the ball about 300 yards straight down the middle of the fairway, he blew on his fingernails and rubbed them against his frock and said to Jesus, "Let's see you top that one."

    Jesus says "Stand aside" and steps up with his driver. Without taking a single practice stroke, he whacks the ball 350 yards right down the middle.

    So it's the old man's turn and he walks up with his driver and badly tops the ball. Jesus and Moses start chuckling into their hands. The ball starts rolling to the lake and disappears into the water to uproarious laughter by J and M. At that moment, they see a fish jumping in the lake with a golf ball in his mouth. The fish lands on the shore and spits out the ball.

    Suddenly, a squirrel came along and picked up the ball and started running further away from the hole. Without warning, an eagle swooped down from the sky and picked up the squirrel. It flew in circles and headed toward the hole. Right above the hole, the squirrel died and let go of the ball. The ball plopped down and rolled into the cup.

    Jesus and Moses looked at each other with shocked expressions. Then, Jesus turned to the smiling old guy and said, "Look Dad, are you going to screw around or are you going to play golf?"

  11. #521
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

    Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

    "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

    "How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

    That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
    The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

    The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

    The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  12. #522
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    Quote Originally Posted by WalterK75 View Post
    I was summoned to the bosses office, asked for a detailed status report.
    I was able to read upside down on your bosses desk the letter container the names of those to be laid off, seeing my name, lets just say it was priceless. The Indian fellow that got my project had a lot of useless status. In fact about 10 engineers left behind mostly useless status reports that looked rather impressive.

    Rod

  13. #523
    aka Johnny Hammerlane bullet's Avatar
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    A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
    'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
    'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
    'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own blanket.'
    After a moment of silence, he farted.
    The End.
    It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.

  14. #524
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  15. #525
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    A photon checks into a hotel.

    The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?"

    The photon replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

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