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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #481
    IBA #44567 Ken F's Avatar
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    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again asking why I didn't do something useful with my time, like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing.
    Talking about my "doing something useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center
    and hang out with the guys.

    I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
    I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

    She replied, "Are you nuts? You are about 76 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

    I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.
    She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
    This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

    "Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do, I signed up for five jumps a week."

    The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.
    Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.
    IBA #44567 Pres. Springfield BMW Roadriders
    "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."
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  2. #482
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Job Interview

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



    'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you find your wife sitting in a chair... kill her!!!'



    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'



    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

    The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

    The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.





    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said, 'I had to kill him with the chair!'

  3. #483
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    THE SCOTTISH COW.
    The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
    Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
    cheaply.
    So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

    It was absolutely wonderful,
    it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
    so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
    whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
    the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried,
    the cow would move away from the bull,
    and he was never able to do the deed.

    The people were very upset and decided to go to
    the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
    ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.

    When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

    If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

    The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
    before asking,

    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
    that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
    "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?

    The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:

    "My wife is from Scotland "
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  4. #484
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Good Advice

    Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:


    "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

    "Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.."

    "How much do you charge?"

    "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

    "I'll sleep on it," I said.

    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

    "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup."

    "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

    "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

    FORGET THE SHRINKS..



    HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

  5. #485
    Outlander Omega Man's Avatar
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    Morgan Freeman Parody Commercials-
    http://rodryan.iheart.com/media/play...ials-22339676/
    "Well they say.. time loves a hero but only time will tell.. If he's real, he's a legend from heaven If he ain't he was sent here from hell" Lowell George
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  6. #486
    aka Johnny Hammerlane bullet's Avatar
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    Q: How many US Olympic hockey players does it take to change a Finnish flat tire?
    A: One. Unless it's a blowout; then the whole team shows up.

    It's a joke. Only a joke.

    Hugs and kisses.
    It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.

  7. #487
    It is what it is. Bud's Avatar
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    Ooooops

    A man received the following text from his neighbor:


    I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

    I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

    In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

    I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my

    sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.


    The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,

    grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

    A few moments later, a second text came in:


    Damn auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife."
    I used to post here, but now I don't.

  8. #488
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    The Rugged Outdoor Woman

    During her physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged woman about her physical activity level. The woman said she spent three days a week, every week, in the outdoors.

    "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical. I took a five hour walk about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through two miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."

    Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoor woman!"

    "No," the woman replied, "I'm just a really poor golfer."

  9. #489
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Beautiful!











    I?ve received many remarkable nature photographs over the years but this photo of a nesting Falcon is perhaps the most remarkable Nature shot that I?ve ever seen.
    I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Nature is truly breath-taking!



    - just click on the link below!

    http://i.imgur.com/YW6Fufm.jpg
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  10. #490
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    That picture is from Norway, where Fjord falcons are common...

  11. #491
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Two Blondes

    Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a


    truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.



    "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery,"


    announced Blonde #1.



    "Do what?" asked Blonde #2.


    "Send my lawn out to be mowed

  12. #492
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    If the Shoe Fits

    The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.



    As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'



    He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'



    She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..




    Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
    Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
    'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
    'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'





    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
    'Because she can still drive!'




    Three old guys are out walking.
    First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
    Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
    Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'





    A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
    'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
    ' Twelve thirty..'





    Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
    A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm
    A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
    Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
    The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



    One more. . ..!

    A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
    The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
    'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

  13. #493
    aka Johnny Hammerlane bullet's Avatar
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    A cabbie picks up a Nun.

    The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
    won't stop staring at her.

    The nun asks him why he is staring.

    He replies:
    "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

    The nun answers,
    "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have
    been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
    about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
    that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

    The nun responds,
    "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single
    and #2, you must be Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and
    Catholic!"

    "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

    The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker
    blush.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

    "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married
    and I'm Jewish."

    The nun says, "That's OK.
    My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
    It's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it.

  14. #494
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Why Older Men Don't Get Hired

    Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"

    Older Man: "Honesty."

    Human Resources Manager: "I really don't think honesty is a weakness."

    Older Man : "I really don't give a rat's ass what you think."

  15. #495
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Catholic Church, and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Lutheran Church across the road.

    One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground:


    DA END ISS NEAR!
    TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW
    BAFOR IT ISS TOO
    LATE!

    As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"

    From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

    Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

    "Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say Bridge out?
    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
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