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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #451
    It is what it is. Bud's Avatar
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    Father O'Malley moves to Texas...

    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . Father O'Malley arose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

    The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Sergeant Jones, considering himself quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites." There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

    Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
    I used to post here, but now I don't.

  2. #452
    Old Salt MEAirhd's Avatar
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    Tourist pulls up in front of a country store.

    He sees a man outside sitting next to little terrier that's growling and showing his teeth.

    "Your dog bite?" "No," the man says...

    Tourist steps out of his car, and is quickly attacked and bitten by the angry terrier!

    Back in his car he yell's " Dam, you said your dog doesn't bite!"

    "Ayuh.... mine don't.. but that one does."
    T. Waits.."Got to get behind the mule.. in the mornin and plow"

    R100T'79

  3. #453
    Outlander Omega Man's Avatar
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    "Well they say.. time loves a hero but only time will tell.. If he's real, he's a legend from heaven If he ain't he was sent here from hell" Lowell George
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  4. #454
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper?s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

    And as I played "Amazing Grace" ,the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing" like that before and I"ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.?

    Apparently, I'm still lost?
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  5. #455
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    At the Gates

    Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when two guys wearing dark hoodies and sagging pants arrive.
    St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I'll be right back."

    St. Peter goes over to God's chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance. God says to Peter:
    "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

    St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says, "Well, they're gone."

    "The guys wearing hoodies?" asked God.

    "No. The Pearly Gates."

  6. #456
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    There's Always a Way...

    A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at B & Q and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the market and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the market he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to Church Lane ?'
    The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to the lane I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
    The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
    'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
    On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
    The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, lift up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
    The farmer said, 'Jesus lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
    The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  7. #457
    Small road corner junkie pffog's Avatar
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  8. #458
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    The Magic Elixir

    A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".
    Of course the police arrested him and ran a computer check on him.
    They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings.
    He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

  9. #459
    Registered User dieselyoda's Avatar
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    C'mon Pauls1150, you got better, I know it

    Polar bear cub walks up to his Mom and asks, "Am I Polar Bear?"
    "Of course son", she replies.
    "I'm a Polar Bear, your Father is a Polar bear and so are your brothers and sisters."

    The young Polar bear cub shakes his head and trots away. He sees his dad.

    "Dad, am I Polar bear?"
    Dad looks at him with love and caring, "Yes son, you are a Polar Bear."
    "your Mom is a great Polar bear, I'm a great Polar bear. Your brothers and sisters are Polar bears. Your Grandmother and your Grandfather are awesome great Polar bears. Your Aunts and Uncles and all your cousins are Polar Bears."

    The young cub shakes his head in a quizzical look.

    Dad says, "Why do you ask my son?"

    "Dad, it's just that I am freaking freezing."
    1997 R1100RT (Restored Basket Case) , 1981 KZ 440 LTD (Restored Basket Case)
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  10. #460
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    from Leno

    from The Tonight Show With Jay Leno:

    Today is Friday the 13th, and over in Finland the airline "Finnair" had a flight numbered 666 going to Helsinki, which has the three-letter designation "HEL". So on your ticket it says Friday the 13th, flight 666, going to hell. Even scarier? There's a layover in Newark.

  11. #461
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Onestone

    There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was
    'Onestone'.
    He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment,
    Onestone finally cracked and said,'
    If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
    The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning,
    Onestone.'
    He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made
    love to her all day and all night.
    He made love to her all the next day,
    until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman
    named Yellow Birdreturned to the village after being away.
    Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
    Onestone.
    She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
    her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
    made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Birdwouldn't die!



    Why ???



    OH, come on... take a guess !!!



    Think about it !!!


    You're going to love this !!!




    Everyone knows...

    You can't kill Two Birds

    WithOneStone!!!
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
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  12. #462
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    Teasing innocent animals.....
    Kevin Huddy
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  13. #463
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    Monastery of silence

    MONASTERY OF SILENCE

    Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.

    The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.

    "Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
    Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

    After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
    "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

    On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."
    "I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

    "It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
    Kevin Huddy
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  14. #464
    Survivor akbeemer's Avatar
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    Friendship among Women:

    A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend?s house. The man called his wife?s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

    Friendship among Men:

    A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend?s house. The woman called her husband?s 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
    Kevin Huddy
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  15. #465
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    The lawn mower.

    A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher.
    'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy.
    After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?'
    The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'
    The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
    The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.'
    The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.'
    The preacher said, I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss.'
    The little boy looked at him happily and said,

    'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya.

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