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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #376
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    Why we shoot deer in the wild

    I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

    I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed upÔÇô 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..

    The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education.. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

    That deer exploded. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a lot stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deerÔÇô no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

    A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

    I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deers momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didnt want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder  a little trap I had set before handkind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

    Did you know that deer bite?

    They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when .. I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its headalmost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

    The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

    It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

    That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

    Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you cant get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

    This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

    Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed.. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

    I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scopeto sort of even the odds!!

    All these events are true An Educated Farmer

    ÔÇØLifeÔÇÖs tough, pilgrim, and itÔÇÖs even tougher if youÔÇÖre stupid.ÔÇØÔÇô John Wayne
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  2. #377
    na1g
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    Let's eat grandma.


    Let's eat, grandma.


    Commas save lives.

  3. #378
    Lost again Texpaul's Avatar
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    Attributed to Willy Nelson

    If youÔÇÖre going to have sex with an animal, make it a horse. That way, if things donÔÇÖt work out, youÔÇÖll at least have a ride home.
    Paul Mulhern
    MOA# 56330
    '05 1200GS Big Blue

  4. #379
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Kinda like a reply I like to use when asked how I would like my steak cooked.
    ÔÇ£Just lead it in by the nose. IÔÇÖll cut off what I want and ride the rest home.ÔÇØ

    Jeff Foxworthy said,
    ÔÇ£If part of your parole states that you are not allowed to own sheep,
    You might be a Redneck.ÔÇØ

  5. #380
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    The Republican


    A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a "Romney for President" button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican.

    So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

    Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

    The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

    The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

    The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

    "Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  6. #381
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    A blonde sees a load of sod beeing delivered and says to her friend:

    That's what I'm going to do when I win the lottery, send my grass out to be cut!
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    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  7. #382
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    Football

    "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

    In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

    ___________________________________________

    Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?

    So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
    ___________________________________________

    What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

    Drool.
    _________________________________________ __

    How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. That's a sophomore course.
    ___________________________________________

    How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

    The cow fell on him.
    ___________________________________________

    Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

    One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

    The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
    ___________________________________________

    What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

    "Will the defendant please rise."
    ___________________________________________

    If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

    The police officer.
    ___________________________________________

    How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

    There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
    ___________________________________________

    What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

    A full set of teeth.
    ___________________________________________

    University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is going to dress only half of his players for the game this week; the other half will have to dress themselves.
    ___________________________________________

    How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

    They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
    ___________________________________________

    Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

    He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
    ___________________________________________

    How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

    Pay him for the pizza.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  8. #383
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    A Heart warming Christmas Fable

    When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre -Christmas pressure.

    Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

    When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,

    Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

    Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

    When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug,

    and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

    He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

    Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

    The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

    And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

    Not a lot of people know this.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  9. #384
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    The Polite Way to Pee

    During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach
    good manners, asked her students the following question:

    'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice
    young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to
    the bathroom?'

    Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

    The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude
    and impolite.

    What about you Sherman, how woulmd you say it?'

    Sherman said:
    'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
    I'll be right back.'

    'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
    word bathroom at the dinner table.

    And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once
    and show us your good manners?'

    Johnny said:
    'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
    moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
    whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

    The teacher fainted.
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  10. #385
    Out There Somewhere bmwrider88's Avatar
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    What do you say to a one legged hitch-hiker?
    Hop in.

    What did the leper say to the hooker?
    Keep the tip.

    Why did they have to stop the leper hockey game?
    Face off in the corner.

    What do you get when an epileptic falls into the lettuce patch?
    Siezure salad.

    What do you get when you cross a GPS with PMS?
    A crazy b*tch who WILL find you.
    Be The Change You Want To See In The World

  11. #386
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they
    have avocados, get 6.

    "A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

    The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had avocados."

    If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
    Men will get it the first time.
    My work is done here.


    J
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  12. #387
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    I went to the bar last night and saw a chick dancing on a table.
    I said to her, "Good legs."
    The girl giggled and asked, "Do you really think so?"
    I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

  13. #388
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
    The other says 'Are you sure?'
    The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  14. #389
    Rally Rat
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    Why doesn't North Dakota have a professional football team?
    Because Minnesota would want one too.

    --
    Why can't the Minnesota Vikings eat cereal?
    Because they choke if they get too close to the bowl.

  15. #390
    Out There Somewhere bmwrider88's Avatar
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    Two guys were talking.

    One guy says,
    "I just got back from my holiday in Switzerland."

    Other guy: "Yeah? Berne?"

    "No, damn near froze to death."

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************************

    Two kids were walking to school one Monday morning, talking about Sunday School.

    First kid: "Yesterday in Sunday School, we learned about a lady who looked over her shoulder, and turned into a pillar of salt."

    Second kid: "Hey, that's NOTHIN'! My uncle was driving down the road. He looked over his shoulder, and turned into a telephone pole!"

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************************

    A blonde man calls the hospital, and shouts frantically into the phone,

    "My wife is pregnant and
    her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

    "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

    "No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************************

    Q: How do you make a hormone?
    A: Pull down her genes.

    ************************************************** ***************
    Be The Change You Want To See In The World

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