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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #346
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER


    I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish. Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."


    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."


    OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"


    "Oh, you crafty bastard, you!" said the fairy.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  2. #347
    Registered User der verge's Avatar
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    Thumbs up

    Quote Originally Posted by osbornk View Post
    A WISH TO LIVE FOREVER


    I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish. Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."


    "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."


    OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its head out of its ass!"


    "Oh, you crafty bastard, you!" said the fairy.
    AMEN BROTHER! Funny and true!
    02' K12LT ~ 83K '97 F650GS ~ 32K' 81 XS400 ~ 9K
    MOA #184190 Club #231 48035

  3. #348
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them.
    That which the Fascists hate above all else, is intelligence.
    Miguel de Unamuno

  4. #349
    look out!!! Visian's Avatar
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    The cab driver and the nun

    A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

    She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

    She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

    "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

    "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

    The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

    The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

    But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

    "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

    The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

  5. #350
    look out!!! Visian's Avatar
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    A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in sh** up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with sh** up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sh** up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

  6. #351
    Swamp Fox GeneT's Avatar
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    72 Virgins

    BBC NEWS

    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54 . A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.


    The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".


    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, Al Qaeda chief executive Haisheet Mapants explained, "I sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting benefits but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up.


    Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the change would not hurt their membership as there are so few virgins in their areas anyway.


    According to some industry sources, the recent drop in the number of suicide bombings has been attributed to the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Many Muslim jihadists now know what a virgin looks like and have reconsidered their benefit packages.
    Gene T

  7. #352
    Registered User johntena's Avatar
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    Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons,watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
    Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjuryÔÇÖ
    John and Tena Gallagher
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    '66 R69S

  8. #353
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Entrance Exam for Old Age Home

    During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
    determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
    bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.
    Do you want a bed near the window?"
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  9. #354
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    A husband & wife are in the store, the husband stops picks up a case of beer ,..puts it in the cart. Wife says we can't afford that!...put it back. If we buy that I can't buy my makeup,..and you want me to look my best don't you?.......husband says...that's what the beer's for...........

  10. #355
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A guy is released from prison after ten years. They give him back the same street clothes he wore when first admitted. As he's walking down the street he finds a shoe claim check in his pocket and decides to go and see what happens when he claims his shoes from the shoe repair shop.

    When he presents his claim check the cobbler tells him the shoes will be ready next Wednesday.
    Last edited by walterK75; 10-08-2012 at 12:35 AM.
    That which the Fascists hate above all else, is intelligence.
    Miguel de Unamuno

  11. #356
    24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Another Blonde Joke

    Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport.

    She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, the car just won't move at all.

    After trying to drive the car at night for a week (but without any luck), she furiously calls the Jaguar dealer and they send out a technician to her.

    The technician examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it. So he turns to the blonde and asks:
    "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

    Full of anger, the blonde replies:
    "You fool, you idiot, how on earth you could ask such a question? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

  12. #357
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Failure to communicate

    WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!!!



    Kevin had shingles.
    Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this!Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices likean assembly line?
    Here's what happened to Kevin:

    Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurancenumber and told him to have a seat.
    Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
    Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical
    history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

    A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, '
    Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
    electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
    An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude
    and asked Kevin what he had.
    Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
    Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'



    Bob Schrader

  13. #358
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Two from comedian Emo Philips:

    I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?" And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

    When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
    That which the Fascists hate above all else, is intelligence.
    Miguel de Unamuno

  14. #359
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    COMPLETE and FINISHED

    No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

    However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

    His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
    Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

    Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
    But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
    And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

    His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes and it entitled him to receive an invitation to dine with the Queen, who decided to call him after the contest.
    He won a trip to travel around the world in style and a case of 25 year old Eldorado rum for his answer

  15. #360
    Registered User ezec's Avatar
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    Sex and Good Grammar

    On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

    The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
    nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure
    for erectile dysfunction.

    After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
    to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

    The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,
    'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
    '1-2-3.'

    When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and
    you can perform as long as you want."

    The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,
    "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded,
    "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
    showered, shaved,took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
    join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
    Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

    His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes,and then she asked,
    "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end
    our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with
    a dangling participle .
    2010 R1200RT
    GO HOGS!

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