I'm ready for more jokes.

[SKYKING96W]

The wife left a note on the fridge.........



"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my friends!"



I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........



What the hell is she talking about?!!

[Hexkopf]

Connect the dots for blondes:

[WalterK75]

Done

[Hexkopf]

Done

Excellent!!

[EZEC]

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing.

You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.
He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star
and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake,
and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer
her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes
highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever
measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: 'Well ..... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his Wife!!"

[EZEC]

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while...then said, "You're A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

[35634]

INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then..

....
....
......

















You are probably the family dog.

[EZEC]

We were visiting our son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

ÔÇØThis is the 21st century, old man,ÔÇØ he said. ÔÇØWe don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.ÔÇØ

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

[bullet]

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

[oldnslow]

May have been posted, but I didnt find it.

A heart surgeon picks up his BMW motorcyle from the shop. As he's paying the bill, the mechanic steps up and says,

"Ya know doc, we're alot alike"", the surgeoan says, "How so?"

The mechanic says, "Well I take your bike, open up the engine, figure out whats wrong, meticulously replace all the parts, put it back together and close it all up, and make it better than it was when it came in, just like yuo do with your heart patients. So how come you make millions of dollars and I only a few thousand?"

The doctor replied, "Try doing it with the engine running next time!"

[EZEC]

God's Promise

And God promised men
that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the world.

Then He made the Earth round . . .
. . . and laughed and laughed and laughed . . .

[EZEC]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico .

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'
The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order..'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes de bull he wins.

[40401]

MEMO
To: All members of St. Paul's Abby

From: Bishop Thomas Stone

Re: Your proposal to establish a fast food restaurant featuring breaded cod and french fried potatoes.

I heartily give you my blessing and remind you that all members of your order must participate.

Each of you must decide whether you would rather be a fish friar or a chip monk.

[WalterK75]

Paddy and Mick get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says, "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded.

However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year," says Mick

[sibud]

CARDIOLOGIST'S FUNERAL



A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral I'm a gynecologist."

The Priest fainted.