I'm ready for more jokes.

[Pauls1150]

Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?" asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

[SQUEAKY]

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


Bob Schrader (It wasn't me)

[bob814u]

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


Bob Schrader (It wasn't me)

NOW THAT IS FUNNY!!!!

A guy exits a bar and staggers to the parking lot. After trying to unlock 'his' car he drops the key three times. He backs up and looks close at the car and walks two cars over and repeats the feat.
The policeman across the road in the doughnut shot nudges his partner and points. They leave the doughnut shop and walk across and approach the man. The man is sitting on the ground looking at his keys and trying to fit them in the car door as the policeman helps him to his feet and asks if he has been drinking.
The man stands up straight and smiles "I haven't drank any but all my friends that have been left while you were watching me." LOL!!!!

[Pauls1150]

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card. I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer.

[MysticRed]

How I learned to mind my own business....


I was walking by the State insane asylum and I heard them chanting.....13, 13, 13......
There was a tall fence surrounding the asylum but I found a crack in it to look thru. When I did someone poked me in the eye with a stick..........


And the chant changed to.......14,14,14......

Sent from Scott's Droid

[Hexkopf]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[ISAMEMON]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

[scooter trash]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.


He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.


Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up.....so she took them home and ate them.


There are two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[r11rs94]

A Police STOP at 2 AM




An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.






The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."






The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"






The man replies, "That would be my wife."

[patiodadio]

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.
As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"
So I turned around and replied, "So now you want me to stay?"

[WalterK75]

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery, Logan, Utah.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.


I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?

[Anyname]

Great story, but according to Snopes, this is his real headstone:

[SQUEAKY]

THIS REALLY IS PRICELESS. If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this! Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.." Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's

Bob Schrader

[Bmandiego]

[WalterK75]

INNER STRENGTH

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook people taking things out on you when, through no fault
of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can always sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then..

....
....
......


You are probably the family dog.