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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #286
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    Smile The Airman's response....

    A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland , at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, 'Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished.'



    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, 'Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; and my job here is to pump **** out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?'



    The surprised pilot thought a long moment, grinned, and then threw the airman a salute.

  2. #287
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Apologies in case this has already been posted.

    The Man Rules

    At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
    Finally, the guys' side of the story.
    We always hear 'the rules' from the female side
    Now here are the rules from the male side.

    These are our rules!
    Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
    ON PURPOSE!

    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
    You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down..
    We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
    Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want.
    Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
    we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
    In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
    makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
    Not both.
    If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
    commercials.

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
    Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
    no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's
    wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
    don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...
    Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
    discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape !

    1. Thank you for reading this.

    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

    Pass this to as many men as you can -
    to give them a laugh.

    Pass this to as many women as you can -
    to give them a bigger laugh.
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  3. #288
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Hospital Regulations

    Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

    However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

    After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

    On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

    "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom, changing out of her hospital gown."

  4. #289
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The Curtain Rod

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

    When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything: cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, and air fresheners were hung everywhere! Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and, eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was a bout 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and, within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later, the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

    I just love a happy ending, don't you?
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  5. #290
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    Garden snakes

    Garden snakes ......can be dangerous !

    I didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter:

    GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

    Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

    A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

    It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

    She let out a very loud scream.

    The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

    He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

    His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

    The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

    About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

    The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

    But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

    The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

    The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

    The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

    By now, the police had arrived.
    Breathe here...

    They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

    The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

    Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

    The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

    Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

    Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

    A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

    And that's when he shot her.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  6. #291
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    I was in the pub on Saturday night. I noticed two large girls by the bar.
    They both had strong accents so I said "Hi, are you two girls from Scotland
    ?" One of them chirped, "It's WALES you freaking idiot !!!"
    So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from
    Scotland?"

    AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  7. #292
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Cahoots

    This is pretty clever!
    >>
    > Cahoots
    >
    > I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
    >
    > Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
    >
    > I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
    >
    > I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
    > driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
    > and work.
    >
    > I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
    > much on physical activity anymore.
    >
    > I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
    > there too often.
    >
    > I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
    >
    > Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
    >
    > One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
    > flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
    > get!
    >
    > I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
    > It's an age thing.
    >


    Bob Schrader

  8. #293
    Registered User ezec's Avatar
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    I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!




    The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 21, and her name's Kathy.



    The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.



    A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"



    I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening." Then the fight started.



    My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.





    The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.
    2010 R1200RT
    GO HOGS!

  9. #294
    Rally Rat
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    The scotch bottle label read "Enjoy In Moderation." Not being able to find it on the map, I decided to finish the bottle off.

    Quote Originally Posted by squeaky View Post
    This is pretty clever!
    >>
    > Cahoots
    >
    > I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots.
    >
    > Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
    >
    > I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
    >
    > I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be
    > driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family
    > and work.
    >
    > I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too
    > much on physical activity anymore.
    >
    > I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit
    > there too often.
    >
    > I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
    >
    > Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
    >
    > One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin
    > flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can
    > get!
    >
    > I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in.
    > It's an age thing.
    >


    Bob Schrader

  10. #295
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Sick Leave

    I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few daysoff.

    So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

    My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

    I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

    A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of goodness are you doing?'

    I told him I was a light bulb.

    He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of
    days.'

    I jumped down and walked out of the office...

    When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, '..And where do you think you're going?!'

    She said, 'I'm going home, too. "I can't work in the dark".
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  11. #296
    Squeaky squeaky's Avatar
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    Six Truths In Life

    Six Truths in Life

    1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.

    2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

    3. And discover #1 is a lie.

    4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.

    5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

    6. There is still a stupid smile on your face ..

    I sincerely apologize about this but I'm an idiot and I needed company. You now have 2 options...delete it, or send it along to put a smile on someone's face today



    Bob Schrader

  12. #297
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Ol' Texan

    An 80-year-old Texas rancher goes to the clinic for a check-up.

    The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

    "I'm from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well."

    "Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

    "Who said my father's dead?"

    The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"

    "He's 100 years old" says the old Texan. "In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had some beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a Texas rancher and he's a hunter and fisherman too."

    "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"

    "Who said my Grandpa's dead?"

    Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?"

    "He's 118 years old," says the man.

    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point. "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"

    "No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's gettin' married today."

    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

    "Who said he wanted to?"

  13. #298
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Another Blonde

    I went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.
    Just as the feature was about to start a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
    By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
    "No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

  14. #299
    I'll ride anything scooter trash's Avatar
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    Italian Bank Robber

    A hooded, armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

    On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

    The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

    He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

    Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

    "Dida anyone elsa see-a my face?" calls the robber.

    There follows a tense minute of silence.

    Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

    "I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"
    1996 Harley Springer, 2011 R1200RT
    When you find a big kettle of crazy, it?s best not to stir it.

  15. #300
    Registered User PeoriaMac's Avatar
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    oldie with updates

    Why BMW Riders are waving back...

    Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
    Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
    Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
    The espresso machine just finished.
    Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
    Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.
    Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
    Was simultaneously adjusting the suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
    Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard
    Mac
    1986 R80RT, 2005 R1200GS
    Livin' Large On The Lake

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