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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #166
    Old man in the mountains osbornk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by gwood View Post
    There, all fixed up for ya', except much funnier now..
    Just like the last presidential election.
    'You can say what you want about the South, but I almost never hear of anyone wanting to retire to the North.

  2. #167
    Seeking Mental Floss
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    Keep your eye on the ball, now.

  3. #168
    Registered User 88bmwjeff's Avatar
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    Lifted from another forum.....

    Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

    The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the Route Number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

    The State Trooper says, "Before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car O.K.? These women seem awfully shaken."

    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 127!"
    Jeff in W.C.
    1988 R100 RT (the other woman)
    "I got my motorcycle jacket but I'm walking all the time." Joe Strummer

  4. #169
    Velocity Joint gwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patiodadio View Post
    If you don't like the jokes , don't read them !




    .
    Quote Originally Posted by osbornk View Post
    Just like the last presidential election.
    Now, see how easy that was. I didn't even get the boat in the water and had two solid strikes and a nibble. There really is a reason religous and political crap is not allowed on this forum.
    "You must be fast, 'cause I was hauling *** when I passed you!"

  5. #170
    Velocity Joint gwood's Avatar
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    Why don't aliens eat clowns.
    Because they taste funny.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh

    Trying to get tickets to see an Elvis tribute band, but when I phone it keeps saying press 1 for the money 2 for the show...

    Two parrots on a perch. One says: "Do you smell fish?"
    "You must be fast, 'cause I was hauling *** when I passed you!"

  6. #171
    Raspberry waffles Bob!!! kewlmoose's Avatar
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    What does a rabbit use to keep it's fur in place?

    Harespray of course!
    82 R65LS - gone but not forgotten
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    "Oh good, my dog found the chainsaw"
    "I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart."

  7. #172
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    A young man walked into an insurance agency to purhase coverage for his new mototcycle. Only one question confused him. " Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?"

    " I've got a kickstand", he replied. " Is that the same thing ?".
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  8. #173
    Out There Somewhere bmwrider88's Avatar
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    back in 1965

    back in 1965 a guy is standing on a corner in San Francisco. on the opposite corner there are several people, all with long hair standing around. the guy looks and looks, then finally walks over to the group

    and asks,
    which of you has a menstrual cycle?

    one of them pipes up and says.
    not me, i ride a Honda

  9. #174
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
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    Hurricane Jokes

    from The Tonight Show With Jay Leno:
    Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.

    from The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson:
    People on the east coast are cleaning up after the hurricane, and on the west coast, weÔÇÖre cleaning up after the Video Music Awards.

    from Late Night With Jimmy Fallon:
    The storm was huge news. In fact, The Weather Channel reported something they hadnÔÇÖt seen in years: viewers.

  10. #175
    Motorcyclist patiodadio's Avatar
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    A funeral service was being held for a woman who had just passed away. At
    the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan.
    They opened the casket and found that the woman was actually alive! She lived for ten more years, and then died. Once again, a ceremony was held, and at the end
    of it, the pallbearers were again carrying out the casket. As they carried the casket
    towards the door, the husband cried out, ÔÇ£Watch that wall!ÔÇØ




    .
    ________________________________________
    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  11. #176
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    Dad buys a Lie Detector Robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it. Son where were you today? At school the son replies. Robot slaps him! Ok at a friends watching a dvd. What dvd? Dad asked. "Toy Story" Robot slaps him again. Ok a porno cries the son! Dad yells WHAT! When I was your age, we didnt know what porn was! Robot slaps dad. Mom laughing hahaha. He's definitely your son. Robot slaps mom
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
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  12. #177
    Registered User SeabeckS's Avatar
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    A man on his Harley...

    A man on his Harley was riding along

    a California beach

    when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming

    voice, God said, ÔÇ£ Because you have tried to be faithful

    to me in all ways, I will grant you one

    wish.ÔÇØ

    The biker pulled over and said,

    ÔÇ£ Build a bridge to

    Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I

    want.ÔÇØ

    God replied,

    ÔÇ£ Your request is materialistic; think

    of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the

    supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the

    concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is

    hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.

    Take a little more time and think of something that could

    possibly help mankind.ÔÇØ

    The biker thought about it for a long

    time. Finally, he said, ÔÇ£ God, I wish that I, and all men, could

    understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what

    she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she

    cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she

    snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a

    woman truly happy .ÔÇØ

    God replied:

    " You want two lanes or four on that

    bridge?"
    Bill Johnston

  13. #178
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

    The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question:

    Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

    As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

    With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?

    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  14. #179
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".
    If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
    via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under
    any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
    life completely.

    If you should happen to come in contact with this virus,
    take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.
    Order drinks immediately and after three rounds,
    you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
    from your brain.

    Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
    Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you
    are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls
    your life.

    If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at
    least five friends. Then retry.

    I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive
    so I'm headed for the bar anyway....it never hurts to be safe.
    Walter

    G. K. Chesterton wrote - "The traveller sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he came to see."

  15. #180
    Back in the Saddle mcmxcivrs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by walterK75 View Post
    There is a new virus. The code name is "WORK".
    If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss,
    via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under
    any circumstances. This virus wipes out your private
    life completely.

    If you should happen to come in contact with this virus,
    take your motorcycle and go for a long ride, preferably for multiple days or weeks..
    Enjoy the fresh air and new scenery, prefferably on twisty roads, at the end of each day, enjoy a refreshing cold beer (or drink of choice) and by the end of several days
    you will find that WORK has been completely deleted
    from your brain.

    Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
    Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you
    are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls
    your life.

    If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at
    least five friends. Then retry.

    I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive
    so I'm headed for the bar anyway....it never hurts to be safe.
    Fixed for site appropriatness.
    Ed Miller, Calgary, AB
    2008 K1200GT, 2009 F800GS
    I can't wait to retire and have a fixed income. The one I have now is always broke.

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