Page 9 of 37 FirstFirst ... 7 8 9 10 11 19 ... LastLast
Results 121 to 135 of 541

Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #121
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    Location
    Mississauga, Ontario
    Posts
    567
    Gotta watch out for those little old ladies!

    An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
    Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

    Older Woman: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

    Officer: Don't have one?

    Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

    Older Woman: I can't do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Older Woman: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
    want to see

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

    Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
    quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
    license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
    a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
    owner.

    Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

  2. #122
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    Colorado and Afghanistan
    Posts
    188

    Erudite scientist

    If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do. . . Here are some of his gems:

    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

    2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    3 - Half the people you know are below average.

    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

    9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

    10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... but she left me before we met.

    12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

    14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
    something.

    15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

    19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

    20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

    21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

    23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

    24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

    25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

    26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

    28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

    29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
    research.

    30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

    31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

    32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

    33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

    34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    And the all time favorite -

    35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
    Piperjim

    '95 R1100RS
    '61 John Deere 3010 LP

  3. #123
    al from chgo burbs lilredroadster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Bartlett,Il
    Posts
    2,724

    new gas station sign

    recent sign on a gas station
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Al From Chgo Burbs
    BETTERMENT THROUGH BADGERMENT

  4. #124
    GREGFUESS
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by lilredroadster View Post
    recent sign on a gas station
    Brilliant!

  5. #125
    3 Red Bricks
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Pleasanton, Ca.
    Posts
    3,425
    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'






    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'




    See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile





    Last edited by 98lee; 03-18-2011 at 08:53 PM.
    LONG MAY YOUR BRICK FLY!

    Ride Safe, Ride Far, Ride Often

    Lee Fulton Forum Moderator
    3 Marakesh Red K75Ss
    Mine, Hers, Spare

  6. #126
    GREGFUESS
    Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by 98lee View Post
    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'


  7. #127
    Slow & Easy
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Austin, Tx
    Posts
    387

    7 Degrees of Blonde

    7 degrees of Blonde
    FIRST DEGREE
    A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.

    The husband said, 'Who was that?'
    The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
    SECOND DEGREE
    Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
    The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
    So, the first blonde hands her the compact.

    The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
    THIRD DEGREE
    A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
    The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

    The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
    FOURTH DEGREE
    A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.'
    A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'

    The blonde replies,'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
    FIFTH DEGREE
    Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
    A: 'Is it mine?'
    SIXTH DEGREE
    Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
    Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
    SEVENTH DEGREE
    Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
    As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'

  8. #128
    GREGFUESS
    Guest

    Ageless Questions Answered

    A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

    10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

    10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

    10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

    10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

    10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

    10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

    10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

  9. #129
    GREGFUESS
    Guest
    1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?

    Try spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
    (My sentiments exactly!)

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

    4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    5. There are three religious truths:
    a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
    b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
    c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

    8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

    ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ...they're cramming for their final exam.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*

    18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    22. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

    *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

    24. At income tax time, did you ever notice:

    When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ...
    "Theirs"

  10. #130
    GREGFUESS
    Guest

    Gov't Warning


  11. #131
    GREGFUESS
    Guest

    Oops

    An elderly couple are attending church services About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

    It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

    He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

  12. #132
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    south of Los Angeles
    Posts
    1,572
    A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

    A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, Lets get off the corner people. A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, Lets get off that corner NOW! Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

    Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, ÔÇ£Well, how did I do?ÔÇØ Pretty good,ÔÇØ chuckled the vet, ÔÇ£especially since this is a bus stop.ÔÇØ

  13. #133
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    south of Los Angeles
    Posts
    1,572
    A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

    ÔÇ£You'll get your chance in court.ÔÇØ said the Desk Sergeant.

    ÔÇ£No, no, no!ÔÇØ said the man. ÔÇ£I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. IÔÇÖve been trying to do that for years!ÔÇØ

  14. #134
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Fenwick, Ontario Canada
    Posts
    2,178

    Politically Correct

    An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner [but certainly not a redneck!], a New Englander, and a Californian), an Argentinian, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uraguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Lithuania, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamanian, a Belarusian, an Estonian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Singaporean, a Dutchman, a Taiwanese, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47-53 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

    "I'm sorry," said the snooty ma?«tre d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    President Niagara BMW Riders #298
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  15. #135
    MOA #24991 Pauls1150's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    south of Los Angeles
    Posts
    1,572

    It's a Guy Thing

    A wife asks her husband "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

    The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had eggs."

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •