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Thread: I'm ready for more jokes.

  1. #76
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    Loosely translated "Hey look a GUZZI with sagging boobs.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
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  2. #77
    Soleman bmwchromehead's Avatar
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    the westerner

    An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule.
    The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched
    throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey
    old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . . . never really wanted to."
    A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.
    The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started
    hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
    When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
    laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the
    saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled
    shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've
    always wanted to."

    There are a few lessons for us all here:
    Never be arrogant.
    Don't waste ammunition.
    Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
    Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid!
    I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?
    Remember: OLD MEN DESERVE RESPECT
    In the end, you will regret much more those things you didn't do, than those which you did.

  3. #78
    You stupid, fix it! r11rs94's Avatar
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    I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided
    with a young guy pushing his cart.

    I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife
    and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

    The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for
    my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

    I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
    look like?"

    The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond
    hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight
    white shorts, a
    halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

    I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

    Most old guys are helpful like that.*
    The thing about traveling is, you never want it to end and you can't wait to get home.
    I answer to Roy, Chief, or Sarg.
    04 R-1150-RT current bike. 94 R-1100-RS74,383, Sold, 78 R-80/7, K.I.A by a D.U.I
    www.OceanStateBMWriders.com

  4. #79
    It is what it is. Bud's Avatar
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    These really work!!

    Amazing simple home remedies:

    1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

    2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

    3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

    4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

    5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

    6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

    7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

    Daily thought:

    Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.
    I used to post here, but now I don't.

  5. #80
    Sir Darby Darryl Cainey's Avatar
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    Will I Live to see 80?

    Here's something to think about.

    I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
    two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
    'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
    resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

    He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
    'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

    Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
    I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

    'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
    golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
    'No, I don't,' I said.

    He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have
    lots of sex?'
    'No,' I said...

    He looked at me and said,.. ÔÇÿThen, why do you even give a s**t?ÔÇÖ
    Ambassador BMW MOA Ontario Canada
    President Niagara BMW Riders #298
    Knights of the Roundel #333
    1977 R100RS, (Retired) 1993 R100GS (just getting started)

  6. #81
    BUDDINGGEEZER
    Guest

    How the fights started....

    HOW THE FIGHTS STARTED....

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....
    ________________________________

    My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...
    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....
    ________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
    celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer; always something more important to me.
    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
    The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...
    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds "
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......
    ________________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
    You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...
    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started...

  7. #82
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    The Atheist!


    An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the accidents evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

    As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.

    He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.

    He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried: "Oh my God..."

    Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

    "Very well" said the voice.

    The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

    ....And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

  8. #83
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise
    essay containing these four elements:

    - religion
    - royalty
    - sex
    - mystery

    The prize-winning essay read:

    "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

  9. #84
    On the Road
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    Chicken

    Why did the chicken cross the road?....



    to see his FLAT-mate..

    hahahahahahahahahahah...????

  10. #85
    Registered User
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    For women only

    New Medications for Women Only

    D A M N I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up
    to 8 hours.

    ST. M O M M A'S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
    rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

    E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates
    melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and
    how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

    P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
    swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
    intelligence, and improves flirting.

    D U M B E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ,
    resulting in enjoyment of country western music.

    F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling
    road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

    P E N I C I L L I N: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
    resistance to such lines as,"You make me want to be a better person ... can
    we get naked now?"

    B U Y A G R A: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
    potency and duration of spending spree.

    Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
    indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
    Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

    J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
    remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

    A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
    used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

    S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
    dear, I have a headache" syndrome.

    N A G A M E N T: When administered to a husband, provides the same
    irritation as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble
    of doing it herself

  11. #86
    BUDDINGGEEZER
    Guest

    What Size??

    A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

    The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

    The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

    The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years, and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

    If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

    The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

    "Yes I have," says the man."And has she helped you make a decision?"

    "Yes" says the man.

    "What is your decision?" asks the doctor..
    .

    .

    .

    .

    "We're getting granite countertops."


    Ralph Sims

  12. #87
    Registered User WalterK75's Avatar
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    Why did the turtle cross the road?

    To get to the Shell station.

  13. #88
    Velocity Joint gwood's Avatar
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    Jesus at the Pearly Gates

    St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

    After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

    Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

    The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
    "You must be fast, 'cause I was hauling *** when I passed you!"

  14. #89
    Mars needs women! 35634's Avatar
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    A lawyer is struck dead at the tender age of 30. At the pearly gates he pleads that he is too young to die. St Peter looks at his list and replies "according to you billable hours you just turned 93"
    1987 K75S
    Original litter
    Original owner
    2012 Ural Gear Up

  15. #90
    On the Road
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    Another Chicken Joke!

    Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?




    She wanted to lay it on the line.

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