Harry and his usual foursome were standing on the 18th green. Harry had a 5 foot putt to win the match. He and Bud, his partner, had never won and Harry stood over the putt a long time. Just as Harry drew back his putter a hearse came into view on the road beside the green and a line of cars following the hearse passed slowly by. Out of respect the foursome stopped, took off their hats and stood in silence until the procession passed. Harry resumed his game, made the putt and cheered wildly. Bud turned to him and said "Geeze Harry, I thought that hearse going by would throw you off". Harry said "Yea so did I; we were married thirty years on Friday".
Irish Confession ...(for the young at heart)
"Bless me father-- for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, it is.
"And, who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that.
But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three full months. Be off with you now!"
Tommy walks back to his pew.
His friend Sean slides over to his seat and whispers "well... what'd
"Three months vacation and five good leads."
Carol Burnett Clips
There are a lot of clips from the Carol Burnett show at
Lots more in the right-side margin; if you're a Trekkie, don't miss her parody on that.
Jails and Nursing Homes
Jails and Nursing Homes
Here's the way it should be:
Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in nursing homes.
This would correct two things in one motion:
Seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They would receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical
treatment, wheel chairs, etc.
They would receive money instead of having to pay it out.
They would have constant video montering, so they would be helped
instantly... if they fell or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes.
All meals and snacks would be brought to them.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight/fitness room, spiritual
counseling, a pool and education...and free admission to in-house concerts
by nationally recognized entertainment artists.
Simple clothing - ie. shoes, slippers, pj's - and legal aid would be free,
There would be private, secure rooms provided for all with an outdoor
exercise yard complete with gardens.
Each senior would have a P.C., T.V., phone and radio in their room at no
They would receive daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear any complaints and the ACLU
would fight for their rights and protection.
The guards would have a code of conduct to be strictly adhered to, with
attorneys available, at no charge to protect the seniors and their families
from abuse or neglect.
As for the criminals:
They would receive cold food.
They would be left alone and unsupervised.
They would receive showers once a week.
They would live in tiny rooms, for which they would have to pay $5,000 per
They would have no hope of ever getting out.
"Sounds like justice to me!"
NEWFIE LAW SUIT
A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wit all dem lawsuits goin' on I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of dat action? I hears dat people are suin' da cigarette companies 'cause dey got cancer and others are suin' the Big Mac company cause dey got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff"!!
His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do you fit under?" The dear ol' Newfie, God bless his soul, answers...
"Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all dem ugly women I woke up wit..."
I saw the Newfoundland law suit, so thought I'd add this one. Apologies to the good people of Newfoundland.
You have just received the "NEWFOUNDLAND VIRUS".
Since we don't have any programming experience and just a few
computers in Newfoundland, this virus works on the honour system.
Please delete all the files from your hard-drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for you cooperation,
Newfoundland University Computer Engineering Department
[SIZE="5"]hahahahahahaha.. good one [/SIZE]
For some people, marriage is like a deck of cards. You start out with two hearts and one diamond then end up looking for a club and a spade.
So Billy comes down for breakfast.
Mom "No breakfast till you do your chores"
Billy "Then can I have bacon and eggs and a bowl of cereal with milk?"
Billy goes outside and feeds the chicken but kicks one when it flies up in his face. He feeds the hogs but kicks on when it steps on his foot. He milks the cows but kicks one because she hit him in the face with her tale.
Billy comes back inside and sits down to breakfast. Mom gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
Billy "Where is the rest of my breakfast?"
Mom "I was watching you kick the chicken so no eggs, kick the hog so no bacon and kick the cow so no milk."
Dad then comes in and because the cat is in the way he gives it a kick.
Billy says to mom "Do you want to tell him or should I?"
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
* the last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
* if I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
* Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head & a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
* Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
*I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
* You're never too old to learn something stupid.
* To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
* I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of Tequila.
* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
* If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have 2 children.
The Importance of Walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
"Well, she looks good, doesn't she?"
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.
Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion. 'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says, 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
Protest at Biker Rally
ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS PROTEST LEATHER-WEARING AT BIKER RALLY
Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.
"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong." The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it.ergo, they should stop."
According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.
"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"
Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."
Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.
"That's preposterous," said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."
When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.