A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband. She says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you"
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me...talking to the wine."
I actually started this thread many, many years ago, when I rode a 2005 R1200RT, and am glad it has survived, albeit modified by my old friend Steve. Hope you haven't heard this, if so I apologize.
A Catholic priest was having a children's mass. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was. Now, asking children questions can be quite daunting, as he discovered, when a young man raised his hand. The Father called on him to answer, and he said "All I know is that if you have a resurrection for longer than 4 hours, you should call your doctor or go to the emergency room". It took several minutes to refocus the adults attending the mass and for the Father to regain his composure!
I'm new to this thread and this particular forum, but here goes:
A young Amish man and his new wife were just leaving their wedding in their buggy.
As they were traveling along, the horse just stopped!
The young man got out, and went up to the horse and smacked it.
He got back in the buggy and said, "That's one."
They traveled along some more, and the horse stopped again.
He got out, and this time, took a 2 x 4 and cracked the horse over the head.
He got back in, and said, "That's twice."
They traveled along some more, and the horse stopped for a third time.
This time, the man got out, pulled out his gun, and shot the horse.
The new bride was visibly upset, and loudly yelled at her husband, "What are you doing?"
He got back in the buggy, and looking at his new bride, he said, "That's one"!
Here goes another:
There were some mice and they finally died.
They were met at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter said, "go ahead on in, and in about a week, I will call you back just to see how you like the place."
After a week or so, Peter called them back, and asked them how they liked it up there.
They responded, "We really love it up here, but we are getting tired trying to get around. Our legs are so little, and these streets are so large."
So, Peter fitted each mouse with a set of roller blades.
Later, a couple of cats died.
As they came up to the Pearly Gates, they were met by Peter. He told them to go ahead on in, and he would call them back in a week or so to see how they liked it up there.
After a week, he calls them back, and asked them how they liked it.
They responded, "We love it up here, we especially like those Meals on Wheels"!!
Old man calls his son. He says, your Mother and I are getting a divorce. 45 years of misery is clearly enough. We cannot stand the sight of each other anymore. It is definitely over. This is clearly and without a doubt, the end. His son argues that they should stay together, and tries to evoke memories of years of happiness, but the old man persists. The son says, "I'm going to call my sister. Don't do anything until you hear from her. I'll be there as soon as I can get a flight." He calls his sister with the news. The sister call her father, and cannot believe he is considering divorce. She tries to evoke memories of years of happiness, and says she will absolutely not allow a divorce. She says, "I am flying in tomorrow. Don't do anything, don't sign any papers, don't talk to any lawyers??don't do anything until I arrive to discuss this with you and Mom." The husband hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. He says," OK, the kids are both coming home for Christmas, and they are paying their own way!"
Two best friends talking. First guy says "If you went out of town on a trip and I made love to your wife, would that make you mad?"
Other guy says "No, that would make us even."
There was a painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further...
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine...
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool.
He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke?
"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
[I]Blessed are the cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light.
Blessed are the flexible, for it is they that shall not be bent out of shape.[/I]
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.
Snow Storm Parking
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife were listening
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are
going to have
8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio
announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow
plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You
must park." Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to
park on so the snow plows can get through?" Then with the love and
understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes
exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
I didn't see it coming either!
Did you hear Kraft Foods is opening a new plant in Israel?
Yep. They'll call it.....
Cheeses of Nazareth.
Two guys were talking one morning over coffee.
First guy says, "I just returned from my vacation in Switzerland!"
Guy two says, "No Kidding. Bern?"
Guy one, "Heck no! Damn near froze to death!"
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.
A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump **** out of an aircraft."
"Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"
It has already started at Bass Pro Shop's.
There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Shop in Hampton this morning. When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control whackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card-reader.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little clearer!