There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...
A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them
stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?
The DEA Agent
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!"
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs......
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Forgot Her Glasses
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with them.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses? This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
Oh my, I'm in trouble and I don't know what to do . . . I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.
Under warranty until it doesn't work. Warranty fulfilled.
I know many of you (like me) are looking forward to football season
Well.....Here's a little recap of last year.
I was just wondering!
Alabama beat Arkansas and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Tennessee and they fired the coach.
Alabama beat Auburn and they fired the coach.
Then Alabama beat Notre Dame and the Pope resigns...
Damn, I wish the White House had a team.
Watch your step!
Three men, a SFC in the Army, a Gunny in the Marines and a Navy Chief die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the Army SFC accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!"
The next day, the Marine Gunny steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first man.
The Navy Chief has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most beautiful woman he has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, large breasted, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The Chief remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The woman says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
The Wedding Party
Josh, looking for a free meal entered a wedding and joined the "Harrison" wedding. He went over to the buffet, and piled his plate high with petit fours from one table, kabobs, stir fry and veal chops from another table. While thoroughly enjoying himself a man approaches him and says, "Hi, my name his Charlie, are you on the bride or groom's side?"
Josh looks up from his plate of deliciousness and responds, "What!? They're only married five minutes and they're already fighting?"
Here's one for [COLOR="#FF0000"]Voni[/COLOR]
Three guys were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives their household duties.
The 1st man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The 2nd man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man had married an Indiana girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot food on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the next day he didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to put on a dirty shirt out of the hamper, fix himself a peanut butter sandwich, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.
If you live west of Nashville, you'll know [I]exactly[/I] what I'm talking about.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
I'm always disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually catch on fire.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them with a shocked expression and say,
"You can see me?"
[SIZE=3]Why Men shouldn't write advice columns .....
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We've been married for 10 years.
He broke down and admitted that they'd been having an affair for the last six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job about six months ago and he says he's been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I cannot get through to him anymore.
Can you please help me with my problem ?
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.[/SIZE]
A contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire? had reached the final plateau. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is 'C' -- the cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
Time was up. "I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C) the cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer," she said, breaking into a sweat.
After the usual foot-dragging delay Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is ... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice."
"You're welcome!" the blonde said.
"By the way," the winner said, not being able to contain the question any more. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
Coffee and Testicles
A guy goes into Canada Post to apply for a job.....
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.. No point in you coming in for that."
Billy died. His will provided $30,000 for this elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Sandi, "Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Sandi, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Joyce. "Thirty thousand dollars."
"No!" Sandi exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Sandi quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone?
My God, how big is it??
Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."[/SIZE]
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.