I'm ready for more jokes.

Bud the Cowboy







A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni?« suit, Gucci?« shoes, RayBan?« sunglasses and YSL?« tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell?« notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3?« cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop?« and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot?« that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL?« database through an ODBC connected Excel?« spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry?« and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet?« printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT

If a mime is arrested, does he have the right to remain silent?

Sure, if he's thinking outside the box...:p

NEWS CONFERENCE

Yesterday, at a news conference held at Texas A&M University, Calvin Rickson, an engineering graduate, announced his new bra design. It is designed to keep women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents nipples from pressing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.






After the news conference, a large group of angry men took Mr. Rickson outside and KICKED THE **** OUT OF HIM!




:dance:dance:dance

One day, while a Navy Master Chief was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, ÔÇ£Why are you crying?ÔÇØ The Master Chief replied that his axe had fallen into the water, and he needed the axe to make his living. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. ÔÇ£Is this your axe?ÔÇØ the Lord asked. The Master Chief replied, ÔÇ£No.ÔÇØ

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. ÔÇ£Is this your axe?ÔÇØ the lord asked. Again the Master Chief replied, ÔÇ£No.ÔÇØ The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. ÔÇ£Is this your axe?ÔÇØ the Lord asked. The Master Chief replied, ÔÇ£Yes.ÔÇØ

The Lord was pleased with the Master ChiefÔÇÖs honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the Master Chief went back to the ship happy.

Sometime later the Master Chief was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, ÔÇ£Why are you crying?ÔÇØ ÔÇ£Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!ÔÇØ The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie. ÔÇ£Is this your wife?ÔÇØ the Lord asked. ÔÇ£Yes,ÔÇØ cried the Master Chief.

The Lord was furious. ÔÇ£You lied! That is an untruth!ÔÇØ The Master Chief replied, ÔÇ£Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ÔÇÿnoÔÇÖ to Angelina Jolie, you would have come up with Cameron Diaz. Then if I said ÔÇÿnoÔÇÖ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ÔÇÿyesÔÇÖ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am poor old seagoing Master Chief, and am not able to take care of all three wives in a way that they should be, so thatÔÇÖs why I said yes to Angelina Jolie.ÔÇØ

The moral of this story is: Whenever a Navy Master Chief lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. ThatÔÇÖs my story, and IÔÇÖm sticking to it.

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Ironsides) as a combat vessel carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water for her crew of 475 officers and men. This was sufficient to last six months of sustained operations at sea. She carried no evaporators (fresh water distillers).

However, let it be noted that, according to her log, "On July 27, 1798, the U.S.S. Constitution sailed from Boston with a full complement of 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum." Her mission: "To destroy and harass English shipping."

Making Jamaica on 6 October, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

Then she headed for the Azores, arriving there 12 November. She provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On 18 November, she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British men-of-war and captured and scuttled 12 English merchantmen, salvaging only the rum aboard each.

By 26 January, her powder and shot were exhausted. Nevertheless, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on 20 February 1799, with no
cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no wine, no whisky and 38,600 gallons of stagnant water.

GO NAVY!

What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?
Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.
Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ...
naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."

- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning, and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to...."




:dance:dance:dance

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama: "Mr President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential" replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

When I grow up!

Ed and Linda met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.
He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.
Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.
So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.
I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.
In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.
If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.
I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.":banghead

Ammunition is Scarce

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
She looked at the ammo in the back of my pickup and
said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy.
Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"


I thought a few seconds and asked, "What kinda ammo ya got?"

A lawyer in Boston is visited by his cousin from Czechoslovakia, a young woman named Sofia. She yearned to see the West - she used to watch old American westerns on Czeck TV - so the lawyer took her to Yellowstone park. The lawyer and Sofia are in the park hiking through the woods and they get attacked by a pair of grizzly bears, a big male and a medium-sized female. The female goes after the lawyer, who runs like hell and manages to climb a tree. When he looks down, to his horror, he sees the male bear devouring his Czechoslovakian cousin. Pretty soon, there's nothing left of Sofia but one of her shoes, and the two bears go wandering away.

After the bears go away, the lawyer climbs down the tree, hikes back to his rental car, and drives to the nearest ranger station. He tells the two rangers that his Czechoslovakian cousin just got eaten by this enormous male grizzly. So the rangers grab their high-power rifles, ask the lawyer to get in the truck with them, and the lawyer shows them where it happened. Poor Sofia's shoe is still there. So the rangers start creeping though the woods, the lawyer right behind them, and pretty soon one of the rangers stops and whispers, "There they are,' and he raises his rifle and and shoots the female bear. 'Hey,' says the other ranger, 'you shot the wrong bear. This guy said it was the big male who ate his cousin.'

The first ranger looks at his partner, shakes his head, and says "And you believe some lawyer when he says the Czeck is in the male?"

(This joke is stolen from the William G. Tapply novel "One-Way Ticket," a book and author I recommend for entertaining reading.)

If Sofie made it up the tree but slipped, that could be a bounced Czech...

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid I have some very bad news... Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our VISA and MasterCard bills yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send the estimated earnings check to the IRS this quarter?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!