Things You Won't Hear from your Satellite Navigator:
Things You Won't Hear from your Satellite Navigator:
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long,
discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading
rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down
to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther
is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror
comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the
panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop
on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?,"
but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they
get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says:
"Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
[SIZE=3]I've been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it's getting serious. She asked me to move out with her...[/SIZE]
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
... The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But.... The decision is all yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start-up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.
Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Earlier tonight my wife was getting ready for bed, and I figured to get on her good side with a remark about her
new sleeping attire.
"When did you get that? I have never seen it before.", I ask.
"Earlier today. It came from McCaulou's. I'm surprised you noticed.", she said.
"Of course I noticed." Not in the mood to sleep and eager for a little action, I followed with a hopeful question,
"So, is it as easy for me to get into that outfit as the others you own?"
"I don't know. You can try it on if you would like.", she shot back.
1.Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.
6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness, cost and color of the carpet or rug.
15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
16.Boswell's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Computers were invented by Murphy
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked
it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm famished," said the first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice piece of
plowed land with lots of fresh worms. They ate, and ate, and
ate 'till they could eat no more. "I'm so full, I don't
think I can fly up to the tree," said the first.
"Me neither. Let's just lie here in the warm sun," said the first one.
No sooner had they had fallen asleep when a big fat tomcat
snuck up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his
face after his meal, he thought, "I love Baskin' Robins."
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them *******s", and he calmly returned to his seat.
This puny little guy applies for a job as a lumberjack.
"Sorry, says the head lumberjack, eying the man up and down, "You're just too small."
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," the guy pleads. "You won't regret it."
"Okay," says the boss. "See that giant oak over there? Let's see if you can chop it down."
Half an hour later, the mighty oak is felled, amazing the boss. "Where'd you learn to cut trees like that?" he asks.
"The Sahara Forest."
"You mean the Sahara Desert ?"
"Sure, if that's what they call it now."
[SIZE=3]My trip to the store
There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods store this morning.
When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun registry people running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.
I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little more clear![/SIZE]
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a
lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to his first year
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you
know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut
and he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his
cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells
the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the
cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had
swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, ÔÇ£Just bring it back in a couple of days
like everyone else does".