I'm ready for more jokes.

Man frantically call the doctor;



Doctor! My wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 2 minutes apart!



The doctor asks "is this her first child?"




Man: Hell no, I'm her husband!

My wife was in labor with our first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, ÔÇ£ShouldnÔÇÖt, couldnÔÇÖt, wouldnÔÇÖt, didnÔÇÖt, canÔÇÖt!ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£Doctor, whatÔÇÖs wrong with my wife?ÔÇØ
ÔÇ£Nothing. SheÔÇÖs just having contractions.ÔÇØ

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding up the bucket Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Lifetime warranty means until it doesn't work. Warranty fulfilled.

[IMG]http://farm9.staticflickr.com/8301/7913121718_3cba50d5c6_b.jpg[/IMG]

Accuracy

.

.

Life chart statistics

Apple is suing the family of Sir Isaac Newton.

On the grounds he had no right using the apple to prove the theory of gravity.

Cannabis is not a gateway drug that leads to harder drugs.

It's more of a drive thru drug that leads to burgers and fried chicken.

I've been trying to write a song about how much I love beer. The problem is...

I can't get past the first bar.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue are the colors of freedom

until they are flashing behind you...

I just had an MRI...

to find out if I'm claustrophobic.