Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spy survivors from a sinking ship.
"Follow me, son," the father shark says to his son, the younger shark.
So they swim over to the mass of people. The father says,
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked,
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the **** inside!"
Things you don't want to hear from tech support
1. Do you have a sledgehammer or brick handy?
2. ... that's right, not even MacGyver could fix it.
3. So -- what are you wearing?
4. Bummer Duuuuuuuude.
5. Looks like you're going to need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n.
6. Press 1 for Support, Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes, Press 3 if you're with the FTC.
7. We can fix this, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery.
8. I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that.
9. In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect.
10. Hold on a second....... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!
Antigravity, The Feline Butterology Theory
If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or
other high and towering place, it will land on its feet.
With this in mind, if you attach a buttered piece of bread,
butter-side up, to a cat's back and toss them both out the window,
will the cat land on its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?
In thoery, even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself
you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of
butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the
equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat
can not land on its furry back.
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to
resolve this paradox. Therefore, they simply do not fall.
That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get),
you have discovered the secret of antigravity!
To expand on this theory,a buttered cat will, when released,
quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and
butter repulsion are in equilibrium.
This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the
butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing
Most of the civilized species of the universe already use this
principle to drive their space ships while within a planetary system. The
loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring
of several hundred tabbies. Larger craft use the Mancoon breed and a
long ways sliced sourdough loaf.
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat
the bread off their backs and they instantly plummet. This, as you
all know, happened in Roswell 50 years ago. Of course the cats
will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good,
since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of
red-hot starship and bewildered aliens crash on top of them.