Shame

[deanzat]

On Sunday I took my 13-year-old daughter and a friend to the mall in Ventura. On our way back to Ojai, we got stuck in a massive traffic jam. I got very frustrated and grumbly. Started griping out loud about "probably some idiot at Creek road," and so on.

Sure enough, we eventually got to the intersection of 33 and Creek road, and a ton of emergency vehicles. While we were waiting our turn (down to one lane), I grumbled some more about the inconvenience. Then, I saw a flatbed tow truck hauling a crushed motorcycle and my stomach turned.

A CHP waved us through, and I saw a van with a smashed up front end. We rode the rest of the way home in silence.

In Monday's paper, I read that a 19 year old motorcyclist was killed in the accident. I talked to my daughter and her friend, to apologize for my boorish behavior while we were stuck.

I could speculate all day whether he was a new rider (at 19, he couldn't have been much of a veteran) or if was speeding, or careless, or if any of this was true of the van driver. But I know he was somebody's son, and somebody's friend, somebody's coworker, etc. I know the driver, even if physically uninjured, will never be the same.

I'm sharing this simply because I have to do something with the shame I feel, and because I stumbled onto the "let this slide" thread this morning. I guess I'm fumbling to find my compassion, strangely absent in recent years. I acted in front of my child as if I was the center of the universe. How would I want her to act?? DZ

[PacWestGS]

Dean, I hope this is helpful.

It was posted recently for someone else, so it is fresh in my mind.

The Seven Stages of Life:

Grief is a normal, natural part of life. It is important that grief be regarded as a healing process. There are seven recognized grief stages. An individual will experience each stage during their grief; however, it may not be in order and some stages may be visited more than once. The stages of grief are (1) Shock or Disbelief that the loss has occured. (2) Denial is the stage in which the person refuses to accept the loss has occured. (3) In the Bargaining stage, the person attempts to reconcile the loss by making deals with other people, sometimes also with Diety. (4) Guilt is marked by statements of "if only I had done/been . . . ". (5) Anger is a natural stage everyone must pass. Anger may be directed toward the loss, the person lost, or even Diety. (6) Depression is a stage that comes and goes throughout the grief process. Resignation at the end of the depression indicates that the truth of the loss has been accepted and the person is ready to move on. (7) Acceptance and Hope means that you understand your life will never be the same but it will go on with meaning and hope.

I'm sure you went through each of these as quickly as a normal person can, but you are still floating in the Anger and Guilt stages.

The Acceptance phase will mean that you have accepted the risk involved in motorcycling and that some people will pass through this life faster or before their time.

The van driver, will face all of this in truly different way, and may never get through it.

In time this will pass and for those not directly involved (his family, friends, the van driver if not at fault), and you can find the best time and place to explain to your little girl why, the universe is unfair and life is cruel sometimes.

Russ

[deanzat]

Well, I don't think I'm grieving as much as I'm ashamed that I was complaining about inconvenience while some 19 year old kid was dying on the pavement. I'd like to set a better example for my kids. In fact, I'd like to discipline myself to not complain at all.

A colleague was a chopper pilot in VietNam, and his philosophy is one I'd like to adopt: "As long as no one is shooting at me, I'm okay." DZ

[PacWestGS]

In fact, I'd like to discipline myself to not complain at all.

Let me know when you figure that out, I'd like to be there too. A lot less stress in life... :thumb

The process above is verbiage: Change Grief with Shame and Loss with Event, it's just a process of emotions that some smarter person than me came up with. :dunno

EDIT: The way a 'Realist' like myself gets through each of these events is to look at everything like this. "Sh!t Happens, glad it wasn't me"

When you (everyone) drive(s) past a simple accident on the other side of the freeway, do you slow down, look and cause another accident behind you, or do you drive past, look quickly or don't look at all? I look at the car in front of me, I could care less, I've seen an accident before, haven't you?

This question does not refer to a horrific or ghastly crash because it human nature to want to know; especially when close to home.

[MostlyIrish]

Dean,
Thanks for your post. It has helped remind me how my negative reactions and attitude toward situations can have a profound effect on my children for years to come. It also helped remind me I'm not the only one who struggles with lapses in judgement. It takes a strong man to voice his shortcomings, and strive to do something about it.

[RTRandy]

DZ,

You need not apologize to your kids for feeling inconvenienced, indignant, or even arrogant. These are all part of being human and imperfect. What i see as the powerful lesson in all this is that you recognized what happened after viewing the accident and were man enough to admit you were wrong to your children and friends. You did this because it was right and you care and love your children.

That's the lesson they will derive. Not the fact that you were momentarily self centered. That's just something we all can be at times.

Admitting when we are wrong is a difficult thing for many people. Having raised a son who is a recovering drug addict, I am all to aware of how important that is to live life in a healthy way.

It's too bad you couldn't have saved that boys life that day, but you were still a hero non the less.

Randy

PS That accident is still terribly sad to think about.

[Cliffy777]

amen to what Randy said. Teaching your kids is an all the time thing, yes? It is human nature to get mad at delays on the road, but at least you owned up to your "mistake" - most people never admit their wrong doing. Your actions put you head and shoulders above most folks IMHO. (Take a look at our politicians on both sides of the aisle...nobody ever did anything!)

[BradfordBenn]

There is no mistake, save one. Failure to learn from a mistake.

[twotie4]

I was lucky and retired early to spend more time raising my son because my dad never spent any time with me. He is a Junior in High School and does stupid teen-age things from time to time (just like I did) and I get angry and raise my voice (yell). But later in the day, I go to his room and talk things over in a more adult mature manner. The one thing he always says is at least I am there and involved. We all try to do the best we can based on how our parents raised us. The fact of the matter is there is no adult training program or child rearing school. We just do what we think is best.