Favorite Funny Quote

[Grey Matter]

What is your favorite funny quote? I was at the Shrine auditorium & in the back stage sound room was the following:

“Never have so many worked so hard, so that so few could enjoy so little.”
-Vince MTV Music Awards.

[BradfordBenn]

I often say, " I Have screwed up bigger projects than this."

[Rich]

"It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt."

Can't remember where it came from, but not too bad of advice sometimes......

[Hodag]

I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004

current terror level:
<a href="http://www.geekandproud.net/terror/"><img alt="Terror Alert Level" border="0" src="http://www.geekandproud.net/terror/terror.php" /> </a>

[gambrinus]

That was Mark Twain who had the great line about remaing quiet and being thought a fool....


RW

[flash412]

"Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube. That is why God made fast motorcycles, Bubba..." -Dr. Hunter S. Thompson

"The highways are crowded with people who drive as if their sole purpose in getting behind the wheel is to avenge every wrong ever done them by man, beast or fate. The only thing that keeps them in line is their own fear of death, jail and lawsuits... which are much less likely if they can find a motorcycle to challenge, instead of another two-thousand pound car or a concrete abutment. A motorcyclist has to drive as if everybody else on the road is out to kill him. A few of them are, and many of those who aren't are just as dangerous -- because the only thing that can alter their careless, ingrained driving habits is a threat of punishment, either legal or physical, and there is nothing about a motorcycle to threaten any man in a car." - Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, 1966

[BradfordBenn]

Rest in Peace Hunter.

[Braddog]

Homer Simpson, to daughter Lisa, as she's whining to him about something:

"Oh, honey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

[BradfordBenn]

current terror level:
<a href="http://www.geekandproud.net/terror/"><img alt="Terror Alert Level" border="0" src="http://www.geekandproud.net/terror/terror.php" /> </a>

:clap :brad :brad :rofl :lol3

[bluwing]

A fool can throw a stone into the ocean, but a thousand wise men can't pull it back out.

[RT_guy]

"There's a time and a place for everything, and this isn't one of them."
perhaps Ernie Kovacs?

[SNC1923]

"Every great writer has a built-in, shock-proof **** detector."

Ernest Hemingway, from an interview in the Paris Review, circa 1958.

"No good deed goes unpunished."

My brother, Kevin.

[Visian]

What... me worry?

http://people.freenet.de/herold/alfred.gif

Ian

[The_Veg]

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
-Mitch Ratliffe

"I don't often make a mistake, but when I do it's a beaut!"
-Fiorello LaGuardia

"It just wouldn't be a complete day if I didn't forget something."
-The Veg

[boofer]

Your enthusiastic criticism is greatly appreciated; f@ck you very much !

[bigfoot105]

Sex is like air.....It's not important unless you aren't getting any! :D

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you will have their shoes! :thumb

[tommy]

Sex is like air.....It's not important unless you aren't getting any! :D

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you will have their shoes! :thumb
only time i miss money is when i don't have any

[Gnome]

"If you can't be hansome at least be Handy"
-Red Green

Beer,the other white meat.

[Ron_B]

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

Woody Allen

[Montana]

Money may not buy happiness, but it can rent some for a while.
(unknown)

My favorite Woody Allen quote: If sex isn't dirty, you're not doing it right.

[SuperMoto7]

It's easier to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.

[RTRandy]

Assault weapons have gotten alot of bad press lately, but they ‘re engineered to take out today's superanimal, like the flying squirrel and the electric eel" -- Lenny, The Simpsons

[Bob_M]

To Winston Churchill "Sir you are drunk" in reply "Yes madam I am drunk and you are ugly. Tomorrow I will be sober and you shall still be ugly"

"He is a modest man, who has much to be modest about" - Winston Churchill

[jgr451]

"Dope will get you through times of no money,better than money will get you through times of no dope."
-Phineas Phreak(or his brother,I forget which).

"You want the truth?You can't handle the truth".
-Jack Nicholson as Col.Jessop,USMC,in A Few Good Men,a Great Movie which included the luscious Demi Moore,who is definitely not a man.

"Grave danger?Is there any other kind?"
-Ibid.

"What we got here is a failure to communicate".
-Paul Newman as Hud just as the bullet tore through his throat.He meant it too...a serious underestimation of the situation.

[jgr451]

"I said you were a sorry sonofabitch it is true and I am sorry for it.You put the punctuation where you think it should go".

-Some anon.politician somewhere sometime,after receiving a castigation for unparliamentary conduct.

[username]

"i have really enjoyed my time here - but i'm going back as a looker."
- tommy

[sacken]

What he actually said was, "What we have here is failure to communicate."
Not "a failure" - just "failure."
One of the most misquoted quotes in the movies, right up there with "Play it again, Sam..."

[lorazepam]

"I aint getting in the ring with Tolstoy"
~Ernest Hemmingway

[Chacifer]

"I'm not always right, but I'm never wrong."
-I know it from a floating, boat keychain my dad had when I was a kid.

[DarrylRi]

"I am the boss in my house, and I have my wife's permission to say so."
from a plaque I often saw at my grandparents' house.

[SuperMoto7]

"You don't actually blow on it"
~Chevy Chase SNL circa 1976.

[boofer]

Right, but not Hud......"Cool Hand Luke"

[Ron_B]

To Winston Churchill "Sir you are drunk" in reply "Yes madam I am drunk and you are ugly. Tomorrow I will be sober and you shall still be ugly"

"He is a modest man, who has much to be modest about" - Winston Churchill

An exchange between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor:

Winston, if I were your wife, I'd put poison in your coffee.

Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

[BBerg]

"I feel shot at and missed and **** at and hit"

Jim Colinet, Vietnam Vet and very dear friend of mine.

[Pat Carol]

From my dear old friend Red Green.

Women may not find you handsome but, they do find you handy !


Pat Carol :D

[Rob Nye]

Never look a gift horse in the wrong end.

- My grandfather

[jgr451]

What he actually said was, "What we have here is failure to communicate."
Not "a failure" - just "failure."
One of the most misquoted quotes in the movies, right up there with "Play it again, Sam..."

I know.I paraphrased because it sounds better to me.

[jgr451]

Right, but not Hud......"Cool Hand Luke"


Ah right,I remembers me better now.

George Kennedy saying Luke;not Hud!!
Thanks for the correction.

[sacken]

I know.I paraphrased because it sounds better to me.
I can eat 50 eggs. - Cool Hand Luke

[JCBR1150R]

"If at first you don't succeed, try again--then quit. There's no sense being a damned fool about it." W.C. Fields. (I Think)

"Sure that's a nice car, I wish I had two of them. One to take a dump in and the other to cover it up with."

"There's nothing wrong with Yankee Stadium that a few cases of Dynamite wouln't fix." Cookie "Chainsaw" Randolf. 101KGB FM San Diego

"Communications throughout the upper echelons of the chain of command are inherant--but ineffectual." Name Withheld

[Chacifer]

Got this list in my email the other day:


"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults."-- Louis Nizer

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."--
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."-- John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."--
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."-- Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."--
Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."--
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"--
Ernest Hemingway
about (William Faulkner)

"He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul."--
David Lloyd George

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it."-- Moses Hadas

"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open."--Howard
Hughes (about Clark Gable)

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."--
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."-- Jack
E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know."-- Abraham Lincoln

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get
rid of it."-- Groucho Marx

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."-- Groucho
Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge."-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by
diligent hard work, he overcame them."-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."--
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?"-- Mark Twain

"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was
waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity."-- Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it."-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."-- Mae West

"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."-- Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."-- Oscar
Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."-- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."-- Billy Wilder

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." [not sure who said it because the name was cut from the email]

[jgr451]

What he actually said was, "What we have here is failure to communicate."
Not "a failure" - just "failure."
One of the most misquoted quotes in the movies, right up there with "Play it again, Sam..."


Further correction: memo to self:

I just saw that film clip again:he says:"What we have here is a failure to communicate".
I made it into Comoonicate for artistic reasons:that's the way George Kennedy's character would have said it.

"Play it ,Sam".

[Rob Nye]

500 words and 30 minutes to order a beer.

Through adversity lies the opportunity for excellence.

This is not sensitivity training.


first two all original. I may have heard the last one somewhere like a movie or something..

Best,

R. Nye

[SNC1923]

"My wife and I have a successful marriage because we're both in love with the same man."

Unknown (but I intend to start taking credit for it) :stick

[106287]

Oscar Wilde's last words (allegedly):

"Either these drapes go or I do."

[TomBarnhart]

Attributed to Ted Williams...If you don't think too good, don't think too much.

[nytrashman]

"it's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice"

[jamesdunn]

"If the women don't find you handsome, at least they can find you useful."
I suppose the reverse could be true as well!

[DarrylRi]

"If the women don't find you handsome, at least they can find you useful."
I suppose the reverse could be true as well!

This is a misquote from the Red Green (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Red_Green_Show) TV show from the great white north, eh!

"If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."

[Easy]

"The future will be better tomorrow." Dan Quayle

Easy :lurk

[jamesdunn]

This is a misquote from the Red Green (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Red_Green_Show) TV show from the great white north, eh!

"If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy."
I confess, I watch Red Green! Yes, I guess I am a good misquoter. Your version is correct.

[jobee58]

Benjamin Disraeli (English Prime Minister, but I don't recall when), on the difference between tragedy and calamity: "If my opponent, Gladstone, were to fall into the Thames, that would be a tragedy. If someone were to pull him out, that would be a calamity."

[dpilot]

Procrastination is a thief of time,
Indecision the enemy of achievement

JimV.

[dpilot]

Perservirence is better than intelligence any day

JimV.

[bmwchromehead]

When you get to the fork in the road...take it.

Yogi Bera

Both the left and right forks going to Yogi's house ended up im the same place.

[angysdad]

'When I die, I want to go just like my Grandpa did. Peacefully in my sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.' (Don Tremember)

[Scootertrash]

I shoulda takin' a left turn at Albuquerque.

Bugs Bunny

[andrewjones]

I feel like I've been ran over by a truck, eaten by a wolf, and S@$! off a cliff.

Andrew

[criminaldesign]

my favorite quote is from Paul Newman in Slapshot when he's talking to the owner of the team and referring to her son.

I may get kicked out if I repeat it here, a bit crass...

but funny.

[Gilly]

John Candy from some John Candy movie:

"There's a time to think, and a time to act; and fellas, this ain't NO time to think."

[535is]

"I've been thrown outta better places than this." - I have no idea. :dunno

"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world ... she walks into mine." Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca.

Ignore 'em, m'dear. They're beneath our dignity." - W.C. Fields

[henzilla]

wasn't meant to be funny in the movie I suppose...but everyone laughed I recall


"we're gonna need a bigger boat"

Roy Schneider in JAWS

[yankeeone]

"We leave at dawn---well noonish."
John Candy , Wagons East

[r11rs94]

Quote by Hank Hill
You can't just pick and choose which laws to follow. Sure I'd like to tape a baseball game without the express written consent of major league baseball, but that's just not the way it works.

[88bmwJeff]

From the Movie Diner

"You're dealing with a rational girl; that's your problem."

[pffog]

Two descriptive quotes I have to attribute to the old body man at my 1st job.

"Flatter than pi$$ on a platter" and "dryer than a popcorn fart"

[jhglaw]

Like wrestling a crazy old man who is trying to throw you out of a penthouse window.

[buckeye]

I've always found this one useful:
"A man's got to believe in something...I believe I'll have another drink."
W.C. Fields:drink

[BexBmr]

This sign sits on my desk...

"Unless it's fatal, it's no big deal."
-John Pelizza

[charliebrown]

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

-Homer Simpson

[Oznay]

A buddy of mine's dad used to yell from the can after cutting one while standing in front of the toilet.." a piss without a fart,is like a brass band without a tuba":thumb

[Bob_M]

"Tighter that a bull's ass in fly time"
a memorable quote from Mac Macauley a boat builder from Venice California.

[CTellman]

"Your Irish gets you in trouble and your Dutch keeps you there" . . . . . Referring to my ethnic composition.
:thumb

[gregfuess]

my favorite quote is from Paul Newman in Slapshot when he's talking to the owner of the team and referring to her son.

I may get kicked out if I repeat it here, a bit crass...

but funny.

So what's the quote?

[Crow18]

So what's the quote?

Oh, hell, just pick one: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Slap_Shot. Any number of them will get you in hot water in polite company. But if you want the specific quote he's talking about, go to that page and search for the phrase "jack robinson".

[sddaniel]

Happiness is a smoking barrel.

[brewmeister]

:rofl:rofl:roflMotorcycles always feel like going for a ride.

Motorcycles dont snore.

Motorcycles dont care about how many other motorcycles you have ridden.

Motorcycles won't wake you up at 3:00am and ask you if you love it.

If you say bad things to your motorcycle, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again.

You can choke your motorcycle.

You don't have to talk to your motorcycle after you ride it.

If your motorcycle smokes,,you can do something about it.

If your motorcycle is misaligned,you don't have to discuss politices to corect it.

Your motorcycle won't leave you for another rider.

No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.

You can ride a motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore.

Your folks don't remain in touch with your old motorcycle after you dump it.

Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.

Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.:laugh:laugh:p:thumb

[Mrs2beers]

"Whether you're a Good Witch or a Bad Witch it's all about the shoes" and
"What part of NO due you not understand, the N or the O or the whole concept of NO?"

[brewmeister]

Better late than never.

[leadfoot]

"It doesn't matter if you win or lose, it's how good you look"
An old motorcross buddy of mine

ILLIGITIMISDICARBORUNDUM - "Don't let the dirty B@stards grind you down"
His late dad

"If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough"
An old work buddy of mine

"Persistance pays off"
Me, everytime I fix something I probably have no business fixing

[DarrylRi]

"Persistance pays off"
Me, everytime I fix something I probably have no business fixing

Maybe, but I've got a friend who says

"It costs more when I help."

[Oznay]

"Vegetarian", is an Indian word,meaning poor hunter.:D

[squiffynimrod]

"The delay in receiving your order is directly proportionate to how badly you need it."

I made that up.

[AKBeemer]

Alaskans for Global Warming

[manicmechanic]

Several years ago when I helped out at a hobby shop (remember those?) as the repairman for anything radio-controlled, I had a sign by my bench as follows: I fix first, $15/hour. You fix first, $30/hour. Dumb looks, free.

[tourunigo]

I posted on a printing press that I used to operate:

'It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry' - Bob

[Visian]

I posted on a printing press that I used to operate:

'It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry' - Bob

boy, ain't that true for a press? :ha

and it is particularly true for a photocopier.

i once saw a sign on a copier that said:

warning: this machine will screw up in direct proportion to the urgency of your requirement.

[beemermyke]

"Numerous studies have shown that married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die." (author unkown)

[cobbwebb]

"You're not dealing with your average idiot here you know!" me, referring to me.

"This isn't rocket surgery!" One of our foremen, as I struggled to get something through to him that he wasn't getting.

"It's hard to believe that out of 200,000 sperm he's the one that made it" A former coworker talking about a former boss

"Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend, inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" Groucho Marx

[murphychuck]

From an old drunk in Pa. "Just because a man acts like an *******,doesn't mean he is one! Goddammit!":bottle

[Newstar]

For us girls....

"Aspire to be Barbie. The b**** has everything."

[GrafikFeat]

Mine that I used here for the first two years or so:

"Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting."

[BCKRIDER]

Mine that I used here for the first two years or so:

"Stupidity, if left untreated, is self-correcting."

You forgot to mention that stupidity is untreatable.

[GrafikFeat]

"The Dude Abides..."

The Big Lebowski

[nytrashman]

"every quick 20 minute job is just one broken bolt away from a three day ordeal"

[GrafikFeat]

"Some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help."
~ Calvin,
Calvin + Hobbes

[JStrube]

"I swear, if they ever cut a woman in half, I'd get the part that eats..."

Dean Martin

[Oznay]

Buy land,they don't make it anymore.

Mark Twain

[brewmeister]

:D:DSh#$ or get off the pot:D:D