Quotable quotes

[jobee58]

Good morning, America. I don't know about all of you, but I've been around long enough to have heard some pretty funny and/or remarkable things said by people. I have gotten a tremendous kick out of some of these expressions and hope you do as well. Also, I'd be very I'd be very eager to hear any that you care to pass along.

"Total disorganization allows for infinite flexibility."

"I've taken a personality deficit and parlayed it into a career."

"This class, boys and girls, has been brought to you by Prozac."

"I see all these kids drinking their energy drinks, all loaded up with sugar and caffeine. There's no way I can do that. Hell, I'm just getting used to the speed I'm at."

"I went to this fortune teller, and she laid it on me right where it all was."

"Look, I don't mind the sound of your motorcycle, but it looks like some whales are forming an action group."

"No brain, no pain."

"If a picture paints a thousand words... I'm thinking that you probably don't need to add any."

[PAULBACH]

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g264/PaulBach/Famous%20Mugs/Yogi.jpg

"Yogi-isms"

On golf: "80 percent of the balls that don't reach the hole, don't go in."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical."

"You can observe a lot by watching."

"I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"I didn't really say everthing I said."

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going because you might not get there."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."

Dining at an italian restaurant, a waitress asked Berra how many slices she should cut his pizza, he replied, "You better make it 4, I don't think I could eat 8."

[AKBeemer]

This could be every motorcyclist's motto:

No matter where you go, there you are.

[Manfred]

“How do you tell a Communist? Well, it’s someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It’s someone who understands Marx and Lenin.” — Ronald Reagan

[BeemoKat]

This could be every motorcyclist's motto:

No matter where you go, there you are.

That's been my signature line since I've been here. I have no idea where I stole it from.

I've been told it's from a movie called "Buckaroo Banzai", but I've never seen it.

BTW, Paul beat me to the Yogi-isms, that was the first thing to come to mind when I saw the title of this thread.

[rdalland]

That's been my signature line since I've been here. I have no idea where I stole it from.


http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/510FNRDBX1L.jpg

[tessler]

"Faith is believing something you know ain't true." - Mark Twain

"Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." - Carl Sagan

[hlothery]

You can't choose your face.......but you can pick your nose!:nyah

[hlothery]

My worker's lament:

We the unwilling are doing the impossible for the ungrateful.

We have done so much with so little, for so long, we can now do anything with nothing.

[From MARS]

"Nothing is impossible, if you don't have to do it yourself."

I credit it to one of my former employees.

Tom

[535is]

I came up with one over drinks one night many years ago and it ended up in ROUNDEL:

"One non-stupid act does not make a subsequent stupid act less stupid."

Then, there's a favorite from W.C. Fields that I have used as a sig line before (and observed far too little):

"Ignore 'em, m'dear; they're beneath our dignity."

Point of order: if it's a quote, aren't you supposed to know who said it? :brow

[kahuhna]

" I don't drink water, fish f*** in it."

AND


" I love dogs and children. Especially when the former is attacking the latter."


W.C. Fields

[PAULBACH]

http://i58.photobucket.com/albums/g264/PaulBach/Famous%20Mugs/Yogi.jpg

"More Yogi-isms"

"I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did."

"Little League Baseball is a very good thing because it keeps the parents off the streets."

"It gets late early out there."

"He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious."

"You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

[AKBeemer]

" I don't drink water, fish f*** in it."

AND


" I love dogs and children. Especially when the former is attacking the latter."


W.C. Fields

And some other WCF:

I must have a drink of breakfast.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

[DarrylRi]

"What despicable fiend has stolen the cork to my lunch?"

[Gilly]

My favorite Yogi-ism has gone unspoken!

"When you come to the Y in the road, take it!"
Many times I have said this asfter seeing a wreck which could have been prevented by a simple turn of the wheel (like someone running in to a barrier where traffic splits).

Also my favorite Dilbertism:
"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

Gilly

[Statdawg]

Once You Become a Pickle…You Can’t Go Back to Being a Cucumber

"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." -- Alexander the Great

[byrdman36]

The older I get the better I was.

[Rpbump]

The difference between intelligence and stupidity is that there is no limit to stupidity.
Ride Safe :usa :usa

[clowry]

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. :brow

[womanridge]

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. :brow

Good one!:thumb

[tessler]

"Philosophy begins where religion ends, just as by analogy chemistry begins where alchemy runs out, and astronomy takes the place of astrology." - Christopher Hitchens

[2beers]

"those who know what's best for us, must rise and save us from ourselves!"
Neil Peart

"Rehab is for Quitters" Firefighting t-shirt

Other fire department quotes:
"I can pump from here" After the driver operator has just buried the engine in a snow drift

"One more and then we gotta go!!" And this one more usually turns into 3 or 4 (sodas of course :brow)

"save your money, buy whisky" this is from our 86 year old and still active member Bernie. 60 years on the department and still responds to calls (He taught me to drive a 13 speed tanker)

[jobee58]

After reading so many Yogi quotes, the thought occurs to me that maybe he's a modern day Zen master. After all, these are at least as hard to understand as those aphorisms.:scratch

[RTFlyer]

“When you encounter seemingly good advice that contradicts other seemingly good advice, ignore them both.”

Al franken

[hlothery]

It's not a bald spot......it's a solar panel for a sex machine!:brow

[Braddog]

This guy was hilarious. He came to a tragic end, but we've still got his comedy:

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

[EBDMAINE]

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger that everyone else looks?

[pmdave]

on producing training materials: "It always takes longer than it does."

on office politics: "An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance."

on pleasing engineers: "They don't know what they don't want until they see what they don't want."

on delivery schedules: "Of course I want it today. If I wanted it tomorrow I'd ask for it tomorrow."

on schedule screwups: "Bad planning on your part does not necessarily mean a crisis on our part."

on motorcycling: (Bob Carpenter) "No one should be allowed to ride a motorcycle on public roads until they have 100,000 mile of experience riding a motorcycle on public roads."

on motorcycling: (David L Hough) "Your job as a motorcyclist is to get the hell out of the way of everyone else, and think about it later."

on trip planning: "Everyone has to be somewhere."

and...my own reply to "How are you today?"

"I'm in pretty good condition for an old fart."

pmdave

[Crow18]

"You could have been a writer. It's my opinion that you are better off as you are, and possibly better off in a coal mine."

-My grandfather, a writer, paying a compliment

[shire2000]

I like the looks on people's faces when they say "Have a Nice Day" and I answer "No thanks. I have other plans."

[Pat Carol]

I have alway's wondered something. When you stop at a rest area and look at the posted map at that rest area, they have an arrow pointing on the map and it says " You are Here". How do they know where I'm at?

PC

[tourunigo]

"Only those who will risk going too far, will ever know how far on can go" T.S. Elliot

This was posted on my work computer for over ten years working with the government..... and yes, I did exercise it. Now I'm retired :brow:ha - Bob

[2beers]

After an Auto Extrication class I attended at Elkhart Lake (Road America) We were able to watch a Ferrari club have a track day. We went down to the pits to look at the cars and when I asked the owner of a LeMans Prototype race how much something like this cost, he said in a very condescending way, "If you have to ask, you can't afford it". Jerk......

[BeemoKat]

Right along with "If you have to ask, you can't afford it" is "If I have to explain, you wouldn't understand"...aw geez ,lol!

[BeemoKat]

Right along with "If you have to ask, you can't afford it" is "If I have to explain, you wouldn't understand"...aw geez ,lol!


And yes, I know there is a grammatic error!

[hlothery]

And yes, I know there is a grammatic error!

That's "grammatical".:stick:nyah

[RTFlyer]

My mother taught me that it's vulgar to ever ask anybody what anything costs.:blush

"Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little."

Buddha

[shire2000]

RTFlyer wrote: My mother taught me that it's vulgar to ever ask anybody what anything costs.

Way back when, I asked a lady that exact question. Woke up about 4 hours later. :dunno

[jamesdunn]

No matter how beautiful the woman is, some man at some point, has tired of her.

[rspennachio]

"You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose -but you can't pick your family"

My Grand father.

[BeemoKat]

That's "grammatical".:stick:nyah

I was wondering about that, now I know!

[BeemoKat]

No matter how beautiful the woman is, some man at some point, has tired of her.

This, worded in a much more profane fashion, is on a lot of men's room walls, lol!

[jnerges]

I am on a deployment over here in Iraq with the Army which is a hotbed for quotes.
Here are a few:

Bless His/ Her heart means: He/ She is an idiot

You want my opinion? Means I am going to clobber you with a verbal tirade as soon as you say yes.

You know he is dumb when he has a species of dumb named after him.


Great quotes, keep them coming, I need to write a bunch of evaluations soon.:wave

[jamesdunn]

"If you go off the road here you'll starve to death before you hit the ground!"
Attributed to my girlfriend's father but I do not know if it is original to him. Probably not.

[32232]

"It's more fun to ride a slow bike fast than a fast bike slow."

[From MARS]

"Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine."

Tom

[AKBeemer]

Or... P to the 7th power....

Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

[jobee58]

You want my opinion? Means I am going to clobber you with a verbal tirade as soon as you say yes.
Reminds me of a poster I once saw with a mafia-boss looking guy... the caption was "If I wanted your opininon, I'd give it to you."

[RTFlyer]

Maybe you should have mowed the lawn instead of going for that ride on a sunny fall afternoon, but then again,

"Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted."

John Lennon

[MTSweger]

Or... P to the 7th power....

Proper Prior Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

That's a good one. :laugh However, one should Always Avoid Annoying Alliteration. :brow :heh

-MTS

[EBDMAINE]

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? Rap music will be the golden Oldies.

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

[MCMXCIVRS]

Came across this one today and liked it.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

[SheRidesABeemer]

In the past few years I've really begun to understand this one

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right. Henry Ford

[lbrackr756]

"I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way: by sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill anyone else."
Mark Twain

and,

"I have often noticed that a kindly, placid good humor is the companion of longevity, and, I suspect, frequently the leading cause of it."
Sir Walter Scott

and,

"As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."
Seneca

[BuddingGeezer]

My old football coach used to say "It'll feel better when it quits hurtin'."

My daddy used to say "You can hear anything but money rattlin' and meat a fryin'."

Ralph Sims

[pmdave]

“Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and it annoys the pig.”

Robert Heinlein quotes (American science-fiction writer,1907-1988)

[pmdave]

"Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death"

- Albert Einstein

[pmdave]

"Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown."

- Conan OBrien

[pmdave]

"My choice early in life was either to be a piano-player in a whorehouse or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference."

- Harry S. Truman

[pmdave]

"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal."

- Henry Ford

[pmdave]

Headstone, Godalming, England :

Sacred to the memory of Nathaniel Godbold, Esq. Inventor & Proprietor of That excellent medicine THE VEGETABLE BALSAM Reknowned for the cure of Consumption And Asthma Died Dec. 17, 1799 of fevers and asthma.

[pmdave]

Headstone:

In Memory of Captain Underwood Who was drowned Here lies free from blood and slaughter Once Underwood -- now underwater. Captain Underwood, Sussex, England

[pmdave]

"Kid, the next time I say, 'Let's go someplace like Bolivia,' let's go someplace like Bolivia." -

BUTCH CASSIDY (Paul Newman) in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)

[pmdave]

"When I quote others I do so in order to express my own ideas more clearly."

- Michel de Montaigne

[pmdave]

"Stealing someone else's words frequently spares the embarrassment of eating your own."

- Peter Anderson

[sgtbill]

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea". Isak Dinesen


"Rust Never Sleeps, I Sleep Less Than Rust"

[jnerges]

"Here lies a Hampshire Grenadier
Who caught his death
Drinking cold small beer
A good soldier is ne'er forgot
Whether he dieth by muskot
Or by pot"

[Oznay]

One of my fav's,can't remember where I read it,but on some guy's headstone...
" I told you I was sick":D

[thompsonr]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE > > 1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.. > 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. > 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. > 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. > 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. > > 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me > 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. > 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. > > 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. > 10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. > > 11 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.. > 12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. > 13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. > 14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. > 15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? > 16 Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! > 17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. > 18 . Procrastinate Now! > > 19 I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? > 20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. > 21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.. > > 22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! > 23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken> 24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD. > > 25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.> > 26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. > 27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music. > > 28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. > 29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on. > > Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! > Life is too short

[Oznay]

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

[jobee58]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

LOVED this post. Thank you!

[r11rs94]

My current signature
Life is tough ...... It's even tougher if you're stupid."- John Wayne

[Kaltzg]

The most difficult aspect of the whole situation was realizing how simple it really was.

[4NBike]

A lady once said to Winston Churchill, "Sir if you were my husband I would poison your whiskey". To which he replied. "Madam if you were my wife I would drink it".