Jokes

[JK]

FWIW - :type

J.K. :wow

++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A buddy shared a story with me this week...

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.' :lurk

[afhrnfa1]

Subject: Fw: Blonde Jokes



thought these were really funny-------------

BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or
the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in your carburetor"..

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,

"PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

T he Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,

"We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.

It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

[Belquar]

A woman wants the inside of her house painted, so she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods thoughtfully, then goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up". The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide.

They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up". The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide.

They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, then once more he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up". This is too much.

The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you don't even bother to write it down, but then you yell out the window "Green Side Up". What on earth does that mean? Are you even paying attention to the colors I want?"

The contractor recites her color choices from memory, then shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street, and I have to keep reminding them which side goes up."

[PAULBACH]

True Tool Definitions

CRAZY GLUE: An amazing substance that will fasten almost anything together forever.
Especially the top of your thumb to the top of your index finger.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR TREE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

SAWZALL: A Plumbers do all dream come true and the Carpenter that follows Him or Her nightmare. Also, see Hacksaw only with MORE POWER.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

[Rapid_Roy]

6 blondes were in a bar gathered around a jigsaw puzzle and drinking all night. Suddenly, a big cheer came out of the group, and one walked up to the bar and ordered six shots. "What is the occasion?" asked the bartender. The blonde replied "We finished that jigsaw puzzle in one night, and the box said 3 to 5 years!"

[beemerred]

The final line of that joke is"He`ll be out of the hospital in a couple of weeks!":dance

[rocketman]

Blonde Jokes? Come on folks, not only are those sexist, but they're so... so....




80's its NOT funny.:dunno



RM

[KGT1200]

How do you starve a honda rider?.
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
Hide his food stamps UNDER his work boots!

[screwtop]

Q. What did the leaper say to the prostitute?

A. "Keep the tip."

[ltljohn]

Proof that the dog is a mans best friend, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of the car, an hour later open the trunk. Which on is happy to see you?

[Belquar]

Blonde Jokes? Come on folks, not only are those sexist, but they're so... so....




80's its NOT funny.:dunno



RM

It only becomes sexist if you label "dumb blondes" as dumb blonde women or men only. Which begs the question...."who then is sexist?" :dunno

I grew up a blonde. I think blonde jokes are hilarious.

[DarrylRi]

It only becomes sexist if you label "dumb blondes" as dumb blonde women or men only. Which begs the question...."who then is sexist?" :dunno

I grew up a blonde. I think blonde jokes are hilarious.

A "blonde" is female; a "blond" is male.

[BubbaZanetti]

A "blonde" is female; a "blond" is male.

yup:

"The words blond and blonde come from the French and follow somewhat the French pattern. Blond (without the e) is used to describe males, mixed gender, or uncertain gender. Blonde refers to women or female gender.

In modern use, blond is sometimes used for female as well as male, but blonde is preferred for female"

found on the all knowing interweb by searching "blond vs blonde" so it must be true.:laugh

[rocketman]

It only becomes sexist if you label "dumb blondes" as dumb blonde women or men only. Which begs the question...."who then is sexist?" :dunno

I grew up a blonde. I think blonde jokes are hilarious.

Oh, give me a break! Look at the jokes and they all play on the same theme that the blonde is dumb, so "dumb" is implied by the nature of the joke and note too that almost always its a female, so..
I too grew up blond but that is really beside the point, most of the women I know, blonde or not think that those types of jokes show, if nothing else, a complete lack of taste.

As I said, old school..

RM

[Belquar]

Oh, give me a break! Look at the jokes and they all play on the same theme that the blonde is dumb, so "dumb" is implied by the nature of the joke and note too that almost always its a female, so..
I too grew up blond but that is really beside the point, most of the women I know, blonde or not think that those types of jokes show, if nothing else, a complete lack of taste.

As I said, old school..

RM

I guess that is why diversity is the spice of life. Most of the women I know find them funny. To include my sister who we have teased most of her life. So to each their own.

People need to lighten up and find the humor in life. There is so much more than getting your underpants in a bunch over a little joke. Jokes by their very nature target one thing or another. But the key word is JOKE. HAHA FUNNY. If you take it serious then I offer my apologies for I did not mean to offend. If you found it funny then I am glad I was able to bring a smile to your face. So go have a good day and remember to tell your family that you love them cause time here is short.

[98lee]

Proof that the dog is a mans best friend, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of the car, an hour later open the trunk. Which on is happy to see you?

:rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl


Now that ther's funny, I don't care who ya are!:thumb



I'd try it , but I think I already know the answer.:hide


:dance :dance :dance

[nytrashman]

locking the dog & wife in the trunk reminds me of this story: i remember coming home one day from school to find my father spraying the truck of his car with a garden hose. when i asked what he was doing he said he was trying to find the leak in his trunk. all of a sudden i hear from inside the trunk my mothers voice......"it's too dark in here to see anything, let me out". i never laughed so hard. both my parents have long since passed away, thanks for reminding me of a funny time with them.

[BuddingGeezer]

The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS
office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with
his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due
to unreported income.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Boudreaux. 'How
about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Boudreaux says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.

Boudreaux says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye.'

The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Boudreaux asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the
attorney. 'This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to
appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd
be happy about it.

[ltljohn]

Do you know why the New York City prostitutes walk so slow ?





They have a Governor on them.

:laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh :laugh

[r11rs94]

Do you know why the New York City prostitutes walk so slow ?





They have a Governor on them.

Lord forgive me, but that there was funny.:laugh :laugh

[Belquar]

Easter Bunny is Dead
A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[Rapid_Roy]

Oh, give me a break! Look at the jokes and they all play on the same theme that the blonde is dumb, so "dumb" is implied by the nature of the joke and note too that almost always its a female, so..
I too grew up blond but that is really beside the point, most of the women I know, blonde or not think that those types of jokes show, if nothing else, a complete lack of taste.

As I said, old school..

RM
Yes, and I am Polish, yet I love a good Polack joke.(even a bad one)
:dunno

That is why I changed my career from a pharmacist. I couldn't figure out how to get the pill bottle in the typewriter.

[Belquar]

Yes, and I am Polish, yet I love a good Polack joke.(even a bad one)
:dunno

That is why I changed my career from a pharmacist. I couldn't figure out how to get the pill bottle in the typewriter.

:ha

[MCMXCIVRS]

Yes, and I am Polish, yet I love a good Polack joke.(even a bad one)
:dunno

That is why I changed my career from a pharmacist. I couldn't figure out how to get the pill bottle in the typewriter.


What's a typewriter? :scratch

[Rapid_Roy]

What's a typewriter? :scratch
I don't know, I am not a pharmacist.
:dunno

[BeemoKat]

There were 3 median-age MOA members walking down the street. The first one says "It's windy."
The second one says "No, it's Thursday."
The third one says "Me too. Let's go get a beer."

[Rapid_Roy]

There were 3 median-age MOA members walking down the street. The first one says "It's windy."
The second one says "No, it's Thursday."
The third one says "Me too. Let's go get a beer."
:laugh What?

[Rapid_Roy]

A guy on a Hiyabusa was out riding, and he passed a cop a bit above the speed limit.
The cop pulled out after him with sirens blaring, and the guy thought he would have some fun, he sped up a bit. The cop eventually caught up to him so he sped up a little more. When the cop caught up to him again, he opened her up full throttle, and as he checked his mirror, he saw the cop wipe out on the side of the road. He turned around to see if he could help.
As he pulled up to the cop to render assistance he asked "what happened?" The cop replied " I was doing fine keeping up with you, until you gassed it! Then I thought my bike had stopped, so I tried to get off it to see what was wrong!"

[SIBUD]

There were 3 median-age MOA members walking down the street. The first one says "It's windy."
The second one says "No, it's Thursday."
The third one says "Me too. Let's go get a beer."

I'm over the median age, I don't get it. :dance

[flgoff]

Look out for what deer?

[monkeywork]

down by the pier? what?

[rmarkr]

Two guys are striding out for a night on the town, when they pass a dog, as dogs do, was licking itself.
One says to his buddy "now I wish I could do that"
His buddy replies "I guess you could - just be sure to pet the dog first"

Please come and visit me in the doghouse!

[The_Veg]

Two guys are striding out for a night on the town, when they pass a dog, as dogs do, was licking itself.
One says to his buddy "now I wish I could do that"
His buddy replies "I guess you could - just be sure to pet the dog first"

Please come and visit me in the doghouse!

The version I've heard has two old guys on a park bench and the punchline was "that dog would BITE you!"

[BuddingGeezer]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the

city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink

this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms

across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of

your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd

gone deaf."

Ralph Sims

[Rapid_Roy]

An man was drinking at the pub all night, and when he stood up to leave, he fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one more time with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside, hang out for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived at the door he tried one more time with the same results. Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."